


Homecoming

by RosesHaveThorns



Series: Fate of the Heart [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Drunk!Alistair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to, Heartbreak, Lovers to Friends, Other, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2019-09-28 08:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17179076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosesHaveThorns/pseuds/RosesHaveThorns
Summary: Alistair, bastard son of the late King Maric, was a Grey Warden and the lover of fellow Warden, Rowan Cousland. After a rather spectacular and very public argument in front of the banns and nobles gathered for a Landsmeet, their relationship was not only ended, Alistair was exiled from Ferelden. He ended up in the Free Marches, a sellsword and a wandering drunk, until Bann Teagan Guerrin located him and brought him back to Ferelden under strict conditions. As Alistair sobers up he realises that the thing he wants most, despite his mixed feelings and lingering resentment, is to make up for what he did, and maybe win the forgiveness of the woman he still loves, who is now Commander of the Grey and Hero of Ferelden.This is a companion piece to my much longer fic,Twisty Paths of Fate. Reading that is not necessary to get this, though this starts around Chapter 85 of that one if you're interested.This is also a different style of storytelling for me, being first person and not always chronological, and the narrator may or may not be entirely reliable... ;-)





	1. Homeward Bound

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: I have zero intention of abandoning this fic. I love these characters and this world so much. They're always in my head, doing stuff, showing me things, it's sometimes a little weird, that's how much I love them. However, I have some pretty annoying health issues that involve chronic pain and sometimes fatigue, and it can affect my executive function (i.e., I can't bloody think!), so I sometimes have to take breaks for... a while. I am still here, though, and I am still writing and I will be until they tell me I can stop. ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair begins to tell the story of his exile and return to Ferelden and, he hoped, to some kind of redemption. 
> 
> Note that he tends to ramble and occasionally contradicts himself in minor ways. He also tends to repeat certain ideas and returns to them often. He also may not be the most reliable of narrators... ;-)

I don't even really remember how I got to Kirkwall, which is where I was when Bann Teagan found me. I was in this tavern, The Hanged Man, drunk as I often was. When I had the coin, I stayed there. The rooms were cheap and they had plenty of cheap alcohol, so naturally, that's where I'd be. When I didn't have the coin, I usually found myself sleeping in a doorway or something. Yeah, it was that bad.

But I do remember going to the Free Marches. Queen Anora of Ferelden, widow of my half-brother, King Cailan, had exiled me from the country because... Well, she had a lot of reasons I guess. I objected to making her father, the now-infamous Traitor Teyrn Loghain, into a Grey Warden. I had this romantic idea about Grey Wardens being heroes and honourable and all that. I know better now, but at the time, that's what I thought.

And I never expected the woman I loved, the woman who went on to become the Hero of Ferelden and Arl of Amaranthine and Commander of the Grey, to betray me. I mean, yes. Now I understand better why she wanted to make Loghain a Grey Warden instead of executing him for his crimes. I knew, even then, that being a Grey Warden was a death sentence, just a very long, slow one and you can make yourself useful to the world before the corruption of the darkspawn taint finally takes you, but in that moment, all I could think of was Duncan, my mentor, my friend, and how he died on the field of battle in Ostagar because Loghain took his army and quit the field. I still wonder if Loghain arranged all that. He did arrange the poisoning of my foster father, Arl Eamon, after all, who would surely have opposed him. And he allowed the murder of the entire Cousland family in Highever, because they, too, would have opposed him.

And that was another thing I couldn't understand. My former lover is a Cousland. She was the sole survivor of that massacre of the castle. By some stroke of fate, her brother also survived so there's at least a chance for the Cousland line to continue, but it was nearly extinguished by Arl Rendon Howe acting with impugnity under the so-called leadership of Loghain.

And that's another thing. My former lover, now the Commander of the Grey, not only took in Rendon Howe's son and heir and made him a Grey Warden, she took him to her bed, as well. I only learned this later, of course. When I was still in the Free Marches, I didn't know anything other than the stories Ferelden refugees carried of the Hero of Ferelden, and all of them were glowing.

I landed in Kirkwall first when I was exiled. I had sold some of my gear to get the coin for passage, and that was the first ship leaving Denerim and I was on it. I didn't know how patient Anora would be, so I got out as fast as I could. By the time I was on that ship, I was already regretting what I had done, the way I had completely blown my chances of being king. I mean, I didn't really want that, not really, though I'd been starting to think I might have been okay at it with some practice. And with Rowan Cousland to help. She was noble born, she was decisive and intelligent and dutiful. She would have made an amazing queen, just like the one she was named after, Cailan's mother, the sister of Arl Eamon and Bann Teagan.

That was why I drank. Well, that and the knowledge that I had utterly let Duncan down. He had trusted me with the sacred duty of ending the Blight and I had... well, I hadn't. I'd had to leave Ferelden before that final battle. I'd heard that Loghain was dead, died a hero, atoning for the things he did. I don't know if it was enough, honestly, but at least he was dead.

Anyway, I landed in Kirkwall and it was overflowing with Ferelden refugees. They wouldn't even let us into the city at all. It was madness. Somehow, I managed to get some work as a guard with a caravan heading to Starkhaven, and that's where I ended up. I made coin by selling my services as a guard or man-at-arms. For a while, I was a bodyguard for this very obnoxious middle-aged lady who kept trying to get me to her chamber alone and, I assume, naked. When I wasn't interested, she fired me, and without a reference. Such is life as a hired sword. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have just taken the lady up on it because she could be very generous to her favourites, but I was still in love with Rowan Cousland and I still had some idea that maybe I could get her back. After all, we were meant to be together weren't we?

Teagan was the one who told me that she was out of bounds. I hadn't said anything to him, just asked about her a bit, and he was quick to inform me that I should get any hopes I had toward her out of my head. And then I heard from some of his men that Teagan had been her lover for a while after the Blight. Apparently it was common knowledge and there was at least one bawdy tavern song about it. And there was one very popular one about me, too. I know because some of Teagan's men liked to sing it when I was around. The song was called “Royal Bastard” and it was basically a comical retelling of how Maric's bastard – that would be me – had been a Grey Warden who was loved by the Hero of Ferelden, but the bastard ran before the final battle because he was too cowardly to face the archdemon. Not true, of course. I am a lot of unflattering things, including a bastard and a fool, but I have never been a coward.

I moved around the Free Marches quite a bit. I took work with merchant caravans, mostly. I considered offering my services as a real mercenary, but most of the mercenary groups in the Free Marches also travel into Ferelden regularly, and I wasn't allowed to go there, and it would have been awkward to explain. The more I travelled around, the more I missed Ferelden, though, and the more I missed Rowan and regretted what I'd done. I mean, yes, I was furiously angry with her at the time. I still was, years after. But I still missed her. And I still loved her, too. The consequences of my actions were hard to live with, and I started drinking to just get some peace and comfort and after a while, I was drinking a lot. Too much.

I was never the “constantly drinking” kind of drunk. I was more of a “I've got some coin to spend and I'm going to spend it all on cheap alcohol and not think about the hangover I'll have from it” sort. But still, drinking didn't really help that much. Some, but even when I was drunk I remembered what had happened. I was still bitter and angry and sorry and ashamed and all kinds of things. I apparently talked about those things when I was drunk, too. People started to think I was crazy, going on all the time about how I was a prince and so on. I mean, I wasn't really a prince. My father never recognised me. I never even met him. But you know, drunks say things and you can't believe a lot of it. I was the same as any other drunk in that respect.

I still remember the day that Teagan showed up in that run down tavern in Kirkwall and told me I could go home to Ferelden.

“What's the catch?” I'd asked. Well, slurred, probably.

“Ah. Yes. There is a catch,” Teagan had admitted. “You need to be under what the queen deems to be a worthy authority. That means the Chantry, Eamon or myself, or the Grey Wardens.”

“What?” I'd sputtered. I distinctly remember that I sputtered because Teagan had made a face and wiped his hand over his cheek. “You know I can't go back to the Grey Wardens. And you know I won't go back to the Chantry. Maker, I'm no templar.”

“You could be a brother if you liked,” Teagan suggested and I made a noise that was meant to be a grumble but sounded more like a cross between a snore and a growl.

“So I have to go to Redcliffe? And, what, clean the stables?” Yeah, I was still bitter. Arl Eamon, Teagan's brother, was my foster father, at least until I was ten. But Eamon's wife, Lady Isolde, hated me. I imagine she hated me even more after what happened at the Landsmeet, because Eamon had big plans for me, putting me on the throne and all, and I'd pretty much ruined that. But Isolde didn't need a reason to hate me. She always had. And that was why I'd spent the first years of my life sleeping in the stable and cleaning up after the horses and the dogs. She wanted to make sure Redcliffe Castle was no home to me and that I knew just how very unwelcome I was. I couldn't imagine it would be different if I went there again.

“Eamon has agreed to allow you to serve in his army,” Teagan answered, ignoring my surly accusation because Teagan was like that. “Ser Perth is happy to supervise you.”

Ser Perth was all right. Red hair, amazing cheekbones, tall, gracious. Had flirted with Rowan. But so had Teagan. Most people would flirt with Rowan if they got the chance. Even the companions she'd travelled with during the Blight. Zevran, the Antivan assassin, he was the worst, but I think they all kind of wanted her. I was the one who got her, and I felt like the luckiest man in Thedas, but then it all fell apart. I should have known it would.

“What about you?” I asked Teagan.

“You are welcome to serve in Rainesfere,” he answered. “Though these days I spend a lot of my time in Denerim. Anora has me working in a diplomatic capacity.”

“I can see that. So you'd be away?”

“Yes. Unless you wanted to come with me to Denerim.”

“What, to the palace? Where Anora is busy being queen? Oh, no, thank you.”

“Then you could remain in Rainesfere. Or, as I said, you could go to Amarantine to the Wardens.”

“Amaranthine?” There was an ancient fortress up in the mountains along the northern coast of Ferelden, Solder's Peak. It had been a Grey Warden stronghold a couple of ages ago. Was that in Amaranthine? Or was it in Highever? I never knew. But maybe that's where he meant.

“Queen Anora gave Arl Howe's stronghold, Vigil's Keep, to the Grey Wardens, along with control of the arling. The Warden-Commander is the Arl of Amaranthine.”

“Arlessa, you mean,” I pointed out. It sounded a lot more mean than I'd intended.

“She prefers Arl. She insists that it is not her title, but merely the title used by the Commander of the Grey when administrating the Arling of Amaranthine. But, that is why the Grey Wardens are in Amaranthine now, and if you were to rejoin them, that is where you would go.”

“You know I can't,” I protested. I think I was whispering. As much as I would have liked to go back to the Wardens, to her, that was a bridge I'd burned.

“I have spoken to her at length on this matter. She is willing to take you back if you choose to do that.”

I looked up at Teagan, my jaw slack. I really wanted to go home to Ferelden. The Free Marches were okay, and there were a lot of Fereldens in the Marches on account of the Blight, but it wasn't home. I had never really had a home, or so I thought, until I left Ferelden. Now I knew. Maybe I didn't have a personal home, but I had Redcliffe, where I grew up, and I had the whole of Ferelden with its familiar culture and foods and I missed it.

And Rowan Cousland, the Hero of Ferelden.

“Can I decide later? Do I have to right now?”

“You have plenty of time to decide,” Teagan had said, smiling really kindly. He'd always been kind to me. It was one of the things I liked best about him. That's part of why I was so angry when I found out he'd been Rowan's lover after I was exiled. It felt like a betrayal. But of course I didn't know that when we were in the Hanged Man in Kirkwall and he was offering me a chance to return to my homeland.

“Let's go then,” I said.

“Excellent. There is just one thing I need to tell you. Our first stop will have to be Denerim. You need to make a public declaration with witnesses that you formally forswear all claims to the throne of Ferelden. There will also be documents to sign, as well.”

I groaned. Yes, of course Queen Anora would require that. Why wouldn't she? I'd stood up in the Landsmeet and shouted that I should be made king so I could carry out justice against Loghain. I only partly remembered it because I'd been so furious it was all kind of a blur, but I was pretty sure I'd made a fool of myself. It was why the Landsmeet had turned against me. Even Eamon and Teagan didn't try to defend me once I had my outburst.

And Rowan had just looked shocked, though once I gave her my ultimatum that it was Loghain or me, her eyes had narrowed and her jaw had clenched and she'd stood her ground, and then I said some really mean things about her and how she was betraying me and she looked like I'd punched her in the gut or something. That was the first moment that I started to realize I'd just done something terribly stupid.

Next thing I knew, Anora was literally calling for my execution and Rowan stepped in and talked her out of it and... Yeah. Sometimes I wish Anora really had just hacked my head off the way I'd wanted to do to Loghain. It would have been a lot less painful than what happened to me.

But now I had a chance to maybe redeem myself a little. I had no designs on the throne. I'd pretty much blown any chance I might have had. The bannorn would never support me, and I figured I'd be a terrible king, anyway. So if Anora wanted a declaration, I'd give it, and I told Teagan that.

“You could have been more, you know,” Teagan said sadly. “With the help of... Well. It doesn't matter now. It's all water under the bridge and the only way now is forward. Shall we? I've got much nicer accommodations elsewhere in the city, and we can be on our way tomorrow. Sound good?”

It did. I was still a little wary, and I was still rather drunk, but it did sound good. I let Teagan pull me to my feet and I cast a final glance at the Hanged Man. I hoped I'd never see it again.


	2. Home Sweet Ferelden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair starts to get himself in order. 
> 
> I will remind readers again that Alistair may not be the most reliable of narrators. His point of view is his own, and he does tend to ramble and repeat himself at times. He may even contradict himself sometimes. Such is his voice as he's telling me his story. I do edit him, but it's his story, and this is how he's telling it to me. ;)

Rainesfere was nestled in the foothills of the Frostback mountain range, near Lake Calanhad, not that far from Redcliffe if you went by boat. They grew a lot of apples there. Something about the mountains and rainfall and so on, but whatever it was, the apples they grew were really good. And because they had a lot of apples, they made a lot of apple things, like this really nice apple cake and, of course, cider.

I would have liked to drink some of that. It was in abundance at Teagan's stronghold, naturally. Served with every meal, always on tap. But after the horror I'd endured coming off the alcohol after we left the Free Marches, I didn't want to risk starting it all up again.

I'd tried to quit drinking a few times on my own, but the cravings were terrible. And more than that, there were side effects. Terrible nausea and vomiting, a headache worse than any hangover, shaking, sweating. Ugh. So I drank some to relieve that and ended up drinking more and more and it just kept on.

But on the ship from Kirkwall to Denerim, I had no choice. There was alcohol on board, but Teagan made sure I didn't get hold of any, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for just a little bit. He pretty much locked me in our cabin and made me sweat it out. Literally sweat it out. And vomit it out. Though I think some of that was because the ship was roiling and tossing constantly for the entire trip. I couldn't sleep for days other than occasionally dozing off for brief naps, so that just made it all worse.

By the time we got to Ferelden, I was feeling somewhat better. Still rough and anxious and a little shaky, but better. Teagan took us to an inn because I didn't want to stay at the palace. He got me settled in and I spent a few days regaining some strength. I was finally able to sleep since the room wasn't tossing and turning all over the place like the cabin of the ship, and in between sleeping I ate some soup and then some bread and slowly built up my tolerance for food again. I was still kind of weak. And soft. I'd let myself go a lot because I was more interested in drinking than in training. I'd been making what little coin I could by manual labour and odd jobs, because I couldn't really sell my skills as a warrior by that point. I hate to think what would have happened if Teagan hadn't found me when he did.

Teagan saw to it that I got some new clothes so I'd be presentable at court. And by “court” I don't mean eating smelly cheese on hard bread and quaffing delicious drinks while rubbing elbows with nobility and foreign dignitaries. I mean a court of law. Anora, herself, was going to preside, which I'm told was unprecedented. I guess she didn't want to trust my oath of allegiance and my renunciation of the throne to just any magistrate. Maybe she wanted to humiliate me in person, because the whole thing was pretty humiliating, even though Anora wasn't actually too awful.

“Alistair, bastard and unacknowledged son of King Maric, half-brother of my late husband, King Cailan. You once tried to claim the throne of Ferelden but proved yourself unworthy before the entire assembled bannorn,” she announced to the packed room. “You were to be executed, but as a boon to the Hero of Ferelden, I allowed you to live. I have kept that promise because I am a woman of my word and because without the Hero of Ferelden, we would have all perished, myself included.” She paused and looked around the room like she was making a point to the banns and nobles before she continued. “Because of certain circumstances and at the behest of my late husband's uncle, Bann Teagan of Rainesfere, I have decided to allow you to return to Ferelden, although it is not without restrictions. Those details need not be made public at this time. However, you must now publicly renounce all claim to the throne for you and any and all of your heirs and descendants. You must also swear your allegiance to me, the Queen of Ferelden. And you must sign prepared documents to attest to these things, before these witnesses. Do you agree?”

Yeah, of course I agreed. I was here and I was sober, wasn't I? And she already knew I agreed to her terms. Anora was doing this for show, but I didn't entirely understand what she was showing people. She was sneaky, like an Orlesian. Probably why she was a good politician, though.

Teagan nudged me with his elbow and whispered, “Say you agree.”

“I agree,” I said loudly.

She made me repeat after her, saying an oath that I would renounce the throne for myself and my heirs, as if I was even ever going to have any heirs, but nevermind that, and then pledged my allegiance to her. Then she came down from her dais and told me to kneel and she put her hand on my head and said, loudly and clearly, “Alistair of Redcliffe, your allegiance is accepted and you are conditionally pardoned for so long as you abide by your vows. Now, if you will, please come and sign the documents.” She lowered her voice then, speaking directly to me and not the court. “Bann Teagan has already gone over them on your behalf, as I did not think you would trust me not to slip in some tricky language.”

I looked up at her and she smiled at me. Actually smiled. I was somewhat flabbergasted by that. She was pretty, with her blonde hair and big blue eyes. Of course, some birds of prey are also pretty, and I did regard Anora in much the same way, but it was nice to be smiled at by a pretty woman, anyway. It seemed like a long time since that had happened to me. I think I probably blushed, because I usually did in situations like that.

There were a lot of documents. Teagan outlined the purpose of each one before I signed, and I skimmed the contents. Anora was right, I didn't trust her. But I did trust Teagan, so I signed. Basically, it was just all written documentation of the requirements and restrictions associated with my return to Ferelden and more than one copy of my formal renunciation of the throne. They gave me a set of documents to keep, I guess in case I forgot what I was and wasn't supposed to do. I was just glad to get it over with. I could feel the stares of the banns and nobles, most of whom had been at that terrible Landsmeet where I'd deserted my duty and made a fool of myself and lost the woman I loved. I really wanted to get away from those stares and the muttering as quickly as possible. Teagan was sympathetic, and we made our way back to the inn for a meal.

“I would really like to drink a fair amount of ale,” I told Teagan at dinner.

“I'm sure you would. But I'm not going to allow it.”

“What are you, my nanny?”

Teagan had the good grace to laugh. “I am your guardian for the time being. But regardless of what I say, I don't think you really want to crawl back into the bottle, do you? You had a great deal of trouble stopping. I don't think starting again is wise, do you?”

He had a point. But since when was I wise? Still, I was going to listen to him because I knew he was right. And if I was honest with myself, I had to admit that the alcohol never helped anything. Not really. I might have made a much better, much more comfortable, much more purposeful life for myself if not for the drink. So I had well water with my meal, as usual.

We stayed in Denerim for a couple more days while Teagan took care of some things, and then we left for Rainesfere. I hadn't been there in years, but I always liked it. It's beautiful, with the mountains and the orchards and all that. Teagan had me in a guest room for a few days and I guess he had some meetings with his guard captain and some of his staff, and then I was moved into the barracks.

That was not enjoyable. I mean, it was better than when Lady Isolde made me sleep in the barn when I was a child, but once my identity became known to Teagan's men, I was not popular. They called me “Royal Bastard” after that annoying tavern song. After a while they'd just say, “Hey, Bastard!” I mean, I get it. I understand why they were like that. Of course they were. Why wouldn't they be? Some of these men were veterans of the Battle of Denerim, which I missed because I was getting drunk in Starkhaven.

And I didn't have to miss it, that's the thing. If I'd just said, “Yeah, I hate Loghain and I think you're making a terrible decision, but I'll still do my duty no matter how wrong I think you are,” and not done the whole _it's him or me_ thing, I could have lived up to my promise to Duncan and to Rowan and to myself, and I wouldn't have gotten exiled. I knew that. I mean, I'm not always the sharpest sword in the armoury, but even I could see that.

It was from Teagan's men that I learned about him and Rowan. Some of them had been with Teagan in Denerim after the final battle when he was there to help organise the recovery and Rowan was there for reasons of her own. I didn't know why she didn't go back to Highever or on to Amaranthine. If Teagan knew, he wasn't telling me. He was very close-mouthed about Rowan except to warn me off her. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any more and I confronted him.

“I've been hearing rumours,” I said to him.

“Yes, there are always rumours,” he'd answered in that smooth, diplomatic way of his. I knew he was going to try to deflect and distract, the way he always did. I decided I'd have to be direct.

“Did you really take Rowan to your bed?”

“Who I do or do not take to my bed is none of your business,” he'd answered sharply. That made me figure it must be true.

“So you did, then?” I persisted.

“Rowan Cousland and I are friends, Alistair. We were at the palace in Denerim at the same time and we kept company with each other a fair bit. We laughed, we danced, we spent time together. Court gossip being what it is, people naturally assumed we were lovers. Neither of us did anything to discourage those rumours. Let people talk about something other than the war, that was my thinking, and she agreed.”

“But were the rumours true?” I practically shouted.

“Come now, Alistair. If I wouldn't confirm or deny them to the court, why would I do so to you? As I said, it is none of your business.”

I disagreed. Rowan was my business. When I'd returned to Ferelden, the hope that I might be able to make amends with her was one of the things that kept me going. But the thought that she'd gone from my embrace to Teagan's was infuriating. He was my uncle! Well, not really. But close enough. Bann Teagan had always been very uncleish with me. So for the love of my life to rush to his arms seemed fickle of her. And him. And just plain wrong. Wasn't he nearly old enough to be her... well, maybe not her father, but her uncle, anyway?

“Alistair,” Teagan said, looking me in the eye. “You ended your relationship with Rowan Cousland in spectacularly public fashion. She was deeply humiliated by that, and the gossip about it circulated for years. Even those who wanted to see Loghain executed took her side after your outburst, and you proved to one and all that you were not fit to be king. If you'd been able to keep a cool head about you, things could have been so different,” he added, shaking his head sadly. “But they are as they are, and she is well and truly out of your reach now.”

“What if I rejoined the Wardens?”

“She would take you back into the order under her command, as I have said. She has her reasons to agree to such an arrangement. But you would see for yourself all the more why she is beyond your grasp. Do not volunteer to return to the Grey Wardens if your sole purpose is to try to win back her affections. It will not happen, and I do not like to think what might befall you if you attempted such a thing.”

I frowned at him. Hard. “Why? What's so different now?”

I meant, apart from her being the Hero of Ferelden and Arl of Amaranthine and Commander of the Grey, but I didn't say that out loud.

“It isn't my place to discuss Rowan's business with you. Just believe me when I tell you that you will not win her back. You might well be able to gain her forgiveness, although it will take time. But you will never have her intimate affections again, Alistair. You burned that bridge well and truly and very publicly. There is no going back.”

I wanted to ask him how he was so sure of that, but I didn't think I wanted to hear the answer. He'd already told me what she said about rejoining the Wardens, about how they wouldn't accept me and would resent me because of what I did. But everyone resented me and what I did, not just the Grey Wardens. There was that tavern song about me, and Rowan was the nation's shining hero and I'd run out on her. I mean, that's the way people saw it. I still believed it was wrong to recruit Loghain. He should have died for his crimes and I'm sure there were people who agreed with me on that, but, well, I guess he did. I just wish it hadn't been as a hero. He deserved to die a traitor's death. I would probably always believe that.

I was so angry with her when she said she wanted to put him through the Joining. I was furious beyond reason. It was like when I was a boy and I found out I was being sent away to the Chantry and I was holding my mother's locket, the only thing I had of hers, and I lost my temper and threw it at the wall and shattered it. I felt like that, all over again. Throwing that locket was a stupid, stupid thing to do. And throwing away my duty as a Grey Warden and throwing away my love was just as stupid. More, even. At the time, I couldn't think, couldn't even really see straight. I was just that blind with fury. It was like I was possessed or something.

Is there a demon of stupidity? I think there must be.

But apart from that, I had to think long and hard about what I was going to do with my life. I could stay in Rainsefere and I knew that. But it kept nagging at me that doing that was kind of like hiding from my real duty and my real responsibility, which was to the Grey Wardens. I owed Duncan that much. I owed myself that much. I definitely owed Rowan that much, no matter how wrong I thought she was or how angry I was with her. If not for her, there wouldn't have been a Ferelden to come home to. I let them all down, and I'd let myself down most of all.

I worked with the soldiers in Rainesfere to hone my skills and get back into fighting fit condition. It was hard work, especially since some of them liked to try to really hurt me if they could. I never complained. I just took it and defended myself from them as best I could and it helped me to focus and retrain my reflexes. In time, they stopped bothering me so much, stopped constantly pestering me, and mostly just left me be, which suited me fine, even if I did feel kind of lonely.

It couldn't be any worse with the Grey Wardens, could it?

 


	3. Grey Wardens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair makes his decision to return to the Gray Wardens.

I did want to rejoin the Grey Wardens. I wanted to do it because I was ashamed of what I did, of how I handled things, and I knew I'd let Duncan down. I could just imagine him, looking at me all sad and disapproving, shaking his head and sighing sadly.

He'd say something like, “I made you a Grey Warden, Alistair. It was your sacred duty to end the Blight. And you failed in that. What do you have to say for yourself?” And I wouldn't have anything at all I could say to him except maybe _I'm sorry._ And he'd just shake his head and say, “That's not good enough.” And he'd be right.

But if I rejoined the Grey Wardens and spent the rest of my life being vigilant and stalking around in the Deep Roads and so on, well, at least I could say that I was truly penitent. The Chantry reveres Hessarian, even though he sent the blessed Andraste to her death. Hessarian the Redeemed, they call him. Maybe, if I worked hard, I could be Alistair the Redeemed Bastard. Or something.

Teagan couldn't talk me out of it. He told me he had to write to Rowan and let her know, give her some time to make preparations. And he also sat me down to tell me a few things in preparation.

“Rowan Cousland is not the same woman you knew,” Teagan began. “She is a national hero. More than that. She's revered in Orzammar, and even in Orlais. She's also on quite good terms with the queen, plus she's the beloved sister of the Teryn of Highever.”

I knew all that. When I'd heard that her brother had survived, it had made me glad. I was really sad when I thought of her having had a real family, one that loved her, but then losing them all. I probably didn't say enough just how sad that did make me. She always had a way of hiding her pain as much as possible, just pushing it aside and getting on with things, and that made me forget just how much she lost. I was moping about Duncan, but she'd lost her whole family. I still felt bad about that.

“Yes, she's very powerful and important. I know,” I said.

“She also has a very strong, very supportive second-in-command. You may be surprised to hear the name. It's Howe. Nathaniel Howe. Rendon Howe's eldest son and heir.”

“What?!” I sputtered. I did that a lot. Thankfully, Teagan was sitting far enough away that I didn't spit on him.

“Yes, many people had that reaction,” Teagan answered with a slight smile. “But he is a devoted Grey Warden and an excellent administrator for the arling. He was born to it, after all. He is well-known at court, having accompanied the Hero of Ferelden on many occasions, and while his father's misdeeds will not be forgotten, Nathaniel has restored some honour to the family name through his service to the Wardens and to the Hero of Ferelden.”

I wasn't sure what to make of that, not at the time. I could tell there was something Teagan wasn't telling me. I wondered if I should ask some of the soldiers. They seemed to know a fair bit about what went on, but of course a lot of it was rumour with no substance and I didn't believe most of it. I remember during the Blight, we heard all kinds of different rumours and at least half of them were lies, misunderstandings, or deliberate manipulations, like the one Loghain told about how the Grey Wardens killed King Cailan. That still made me angry to think about it.

“Is there something else you're not telling me?” I asked.

“There are many things I'm not telling you, Alistair,” Teagan answered with a bit of a smirk. “In this case, I think it may be better for you to learn the whole of the situation firsthand. See for yourself. Then you'll understand.”

I grunted. He sounded like Duncan, with the _you'll see_ approach to things.

“I must also remind you again, Alistair. Her heart is lost to you. Some things are beyond your ability to recover, and that is one of them.”

I nodded, even though I wanted to argue. He hadn't been there. He didn't know what it had been like, how deeply connected we were, how intimate it was. I couldn't believe that it was gone, not really. I mean, I did. I couldn't blame her for being angry with me. I was angry with me, too. And with her. But more with myself. And I did believe she'd been with Teagan, but they weren't together any more or he would have said so instead of telling me it was none of my business. Teagan had a reputation with the ladies and he was known to be discreet, but if he was still in an intimate relationship with Rowan, he would have let me know in no uncertain terms, so I decided that if there really had been something going on there, it was just a rebound thing on her part. And for Teagan, well, who would turn down a chance to be with Rowan Cousland?

I'd done a bit of rebounding, myself. Nothing lasting or meaningful, but there had been a few women here and there. I preferred women who were tallish and had chestnut brown hair. If they had green eyes, so much the better. Of course, they were never really her, but if I was drunk enough and I didn't look too hard, I could sometimes kind of pretend. I couldn't be too drunk, though, or I'd embarrass myself and disappoint everyone, as I came to find out. And since I was usually more drunk than sober when I wasn't actively working, well, there weren't very many successful joinings, let me put it that way.

The trip to Amaranthine was uneventful. Teagan brought along one of his knights and a soldier, just to be on the safe side, but they weren't needed. We went on horseback. Not my favourite way to travel. You'd think a boy raised in a barn would be able to ride really well, but I never really got the knack for it. I spent most of my time just trying to keep on the horse.

We stayed in a couple of inns on the journey. Teagan took pains to keep me out of the common room and away from the alcohol. I didn't know if I should be grateful or angry, so I decided to be both.

We also camped, and since we were on horseback we could carry a lot more gear. Teagan had really impressive field tents, fit for a bann of his standing. During the Blight, we'd used really basic tents that could be easily carried on a backpack. Definitely not luxurious like Teagan's camping gear.

But the smell of the campfire and setting up the tents and all brought back a lot of memories, not because I hadn't camped since the Blight, but because it was Ferelden and there was so much familiarity. The smell of wet dog, particularly.

Teagan asked me at one point what I was thinking. I didn't tell him, because when he asked I was remembering being with Rowan. In her tent. Alone. He was pretty perceptive, though, because he warned me again about her being out of my reach. I nodded and I really did believe him, but at the same time, I kept kind of hoping a little bit. After all, even as angry as I was with her, and I still kind of was, to be honest, I still loved her. She was usually willing to give people a second chance. Maybe she'd give me one. I know Teagan said it wasn't going to happen, but I couldn't stop myself from holding out hope.

Vigil's Keep was impressive. It was enormous. It also seemed to be a busy trading centre, with merchants of all descriptions. I recognised the armourer, Master Wade, as we walked through the big courtyard. Really, the Keep was almost like a village. I don't know what I had been expecting, but I was surprised by the happy, thriving community. Grey Wardens aren't known for community involvement, after all, but I guess because it was also the seat of the arling, that made a difference.

Teagan had sent a page ahead to let the Commander know we were arriving. We waited in the courtyard and a squire came to greet us and told us that we should proceed to the main hall. The lad escorted Teagan's men to the barracks while Teagan and I headed in.

I was nervous. Really, really nervous. Probably sweating. Stomach was all fluttery and wobbly, and so was my head. Then I saw her, tall and regal, striding across the very large, very traditional Ferelden hall, complete with an enormous firepit in the middle and a throne on a dais at the far end. She was wearing a long, brown skirt and a cream coloured blouse. Her chestnut brown hair was pulled back in a plait down the back. She was prettier than I remembered, with that oval face and the strong chin I was told was a Cousland trait, and the peaches and cream complexion. Her cheeks were flushed and her brows were drawn together over her green eyes. I mean, I couldn't see the colour of her eyes. I just knew they were green.

She wasn't armed that I could see, which was probably a good thing, but she was definitely intimidating, all noble and heroic and in charge and all that. There was no question she was in charge. Command suited her. It always had.

I tore my gaze away from her and turned to Teagan and told him I was nervous. He answered that he wasn't surprised.

_Helpful. Thanks._

I turned back and that's when I took notice of the man who followed a few paces behind Rowan. He was about my height. Broad shoulders, muscular, but slimmer than I am. He looked and moved like a rogue, but a noble one, swagger and all. The man's hair was dark and pulled back in a ponytail, and he was scowling. I suppose he was good looking if you liked dark, brooding men with a long, prominent nose with an arched bridge, like the beak of a hawk. He had a kind of a small beard, just under the middle of his lower lip. On a lot of men, that would look kind of dumb, but on him, it just enhanced the dark, broody, rogue thing.

That had to be Nathaniel Howe.

Teagan walked up to Rowan and she smiled warmly at him. He kissed her on the cheek and then embraced her. It was all chaste, friendly, polite, but it still bothered me. She stepped back and then turned and looked at me.

So many emotions filled me up: fear, sorrow, anger, hope, resentment, love, and more, all mixing together and making my heart ache in so many ways. I wanted to put my arms around her, to kiss her, to fall to my knees and beg her to forgive me, but I also wanted to say mean things to her, and maybe shout at her. Of course I did none of those things. I just stood there, looking at her. She looked away.

“Lieutenant Commander Howe,” Teagan said with a friendly smile, extending hand to the dark, broody rogue. “Good to see you, as always.”

I managed to tear my eyes from Rowan long enough to address him as he shook hands with Teagan.

“Howe, is it?” I asked. I hadn't really meant to be surly, but I was exactly that.

“That's right. If you have a problem with that, speak up now,” the man practically growled.

“I don't have a problem,” I answered, but I had my hackles up. “You're the second in command?”

“I am,” he confirmed. His eyes were grey, and as hard as steel as he stared me down. I was even more annoyed. I didn't even know why. And I don't know what possessed me to speak to him the way I did.

“Huh,” I said like I was considering it. “I've been a Grey Warden longer than you have, yet you outrank me. Usually, seniority counts for a lot in the Wardens.”

“You were a Grey Warden for, what, a year or a little more?” Howe asked, practically boring holes in my skull with his hard gaze. “And then you deserted during a Blight. I think it's safe to say the years you were drunk in the Free Marches can't be counted toward your standing and seniority as a Grey Warden.”

I felt my face get hot and I inhaled so sharply I think I probably flared my nostrils as I clamped my jaw hard. He was right, and that was what made it so much worse. I narrowed my eyes, mostly to keep from showing just how unsettled and irritated I really was. He stood his ground. I stood mine.

“Let's take this to the office,” Rowan said. She shot her second-in-command a look and he took a deep breath and gestured for her to lead the way.

Teagan, Rowan, and I went in first, and Howe shut the door behind us. The office was impressive. There was a fireplace, comfortable seating around it, a small table and chairs, and two desks. The one facing the door on the far wall was big and impressive, with a big, impressive chair. I guessed that must be Rowan's desk. Opposite, near the door, was a smaller, antique looking desk. There were also tapestries on the walls showing famous battles of the past. One was of Andraste leading the battle against the Tevinters. Another was of the Hero of Ferelden, fighting the archdemon.

Rowan sat down in the imposing chair behind the imposing desk. Howe came over and leaned against the edge of that desk, perching there, his arms folded across his chest, just watching. Teagan and I sat in the chairs that were there waiting for us, facing Rowan. She glanced at Lord Broodybreeches and he gave her a nod and a small smile. For reasons I didn't fully understand, that smile made me want to punch him in the face. I clasped my hands together in my lap.

“First point,” Rowan said in her _I-am-in-command-here_ voice. It was a voice I used to love. So sexy. I wasn't that surprised to find it still affected me in funny ways. “Everyone in this room is aware that Alistair and I once had an intimate relationship.”

Well, that took me by surprise. I hadn't expected her to say it right out loud like that, and right at the start. And while I knew Teagan was aware of our past relationship, her second-in-command was, too? But, yeah, he probably was. There was the tavern song about me. And Teagan had told me Oghren was here now, and a Grey Warden, so he probably told everyone all about what happened.

Before I could consider it further, she continued in that sexy, firm, commander voice, but now it was tinged with anger. She looked angry, too. I started to really feel intimidated. I think that was what she was going for.

“That relationship ended on the day that Alistair left me, and it is not a topic I will discuss. His desertion from the Grey Wardens is my primary concern. Are we all clear?”

I felt like she'd punched me in some tender part of my body. I wanted to just double over and hide my face, which was burning. Howe was smirking. That made it even worse.

“Alistair,” Rowan said, addressing me directly for the first time, “I am obligated by my agreement with the queen to accept you back into the ranks of the Grey Wardens if you insist you finally want to serve.” _Ouch._ That was unnecessary. “However, I am under no obligation to allow you to go out on patrols or into the Deep Roads or to ever allow you to set foot outside this fortress. I have full discretion in how and where you are assigned.” She turned to Teagan. “Bann Teagan, has he sobered up? What about his fitness for duty?”

“He is sober, Commander,” Teagan said evenly. “Once he got past the initial stages of recovery, he has voluntarily refrained from taking alcohol as far as I have seen or heard. As for his training, Alistair has been working with my own drill master, alongside my soldiers and knights. He is fighting fit.”

“He'll have to be assessed, of course,” Rowan said, “but thank you for the effort you've put in, Bann Teagan.” She turned back to me. “Alistair, you deserted the Grey Wardens over a command decision. _My_ command decision. I want to hear your side of it, and I want to hear exactly why you think I should ever trust you again.”

She was angry. She was beautiful when she was angry, but her question made me sad and ashamed. And she didn't have any reason at all to trust me, which is what I told her.

“Well, if you desert again,” she told me, “Queen Anora will have you hunted down, assuming I don't find you first and kill you, myself. I have never killed anyone under my command, but I would make an exception for you.”

Oh, really _ouch_. So unnecessary!

“I'll bet you'd enjoy that,” I retorted. I was angry and hurt and I was lashing out.

Howe was on his feet in a flash, scowling at me. I'm surprised he didn't snarl. Rowan could be quite intimidating, but he was even more so. Rowan glanced at him and shook her head slightly and he backed off a little bit, but kept his eye on me.

“I might enjoy killing you,” she told me with a slow smile, “but I doubt it. Hard, painful experience has shown me that revenge is not very satisfying. It's a romantic idea, that all you have to do is kill someone and all will be well. The cold truth is that it doesn't change a thing. The people you love are still dead, the world is still a dark and fearsome place, you're still alone in your nightmares, and now you're a killer on top of all that. In fact, it was Duncan who told me that a Grey Warden's duty had to come first, before everything, even revenge. I take it you never got that speech.”

I flinched. That was a low blow. It was true, but it was still low, bringing Duncan into this. I lowered my head as Howe leaned back against the desk again, folding his arms once more. He was still scowling, but I didn't care.

“You're right,” I said miserably. “I did desert. And I did betray Duncan's trust in me. I keep remembering what he said to me, to both of us, at Ostagar, right before he sent us to the Tower of Ishal. He said we were both Grey Wardens, and that he expected us both to live up to that title. You did that. You would have made him proud, and I'll bet he'd be happy to have you as his successor. I let him down. And myself.”

Nobody spoke for a moment.

“Remorse is all well and good,” Rowan said eventually. “Do you remember what Senior Warden Riordan said at the Landsmeet about there being compelling reasons to have as many Grey Wardens as possible on the field with the archdemon? Do you know what he meant? Do you know why a Grey Warden has to be the one to kill the archdemon if the Blight is to end?”

“I always assumed it's something to do with the taint we carry,” I said. I raised my head before I asked, “Is there more?”

“So it's true that Duncan never told you,” Rowan said with a heavy sigh and a shake of her head. “That's what I thought. Teagan, this is Grey Warden business, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”

“As you wish, Commander,” he said. He was using his smooth, courtier's voice. He stood up, patted me on the shoulder, and turned to the door. Howe nodded and my only ally in this thing made to leave the room.

 

 


	4. Duty and Desertion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair learns things Duncan never told him.

Howe shut the door after Teagan left and then he sat down in the now-empty chair next to mine. I looked at him warily. I couldn't work out what he was about. I wondered if he was always overtly intimidating or if he was doing on it purpose for my benefit.

“Alistair,” Rowan said, drawing my attention, “none of the Grey Wardens who have ever killed an archdemon have survived, and there is a reason for that. Archdemons can't be killed by normal means. An archdemon's soul will leave their dying body, but it simply moves into the next nearest tainted being and the archdemon continues to command the horde. This is probably at least part of why they surround themselves with an army of darkspawn. You can kill the archdemon over and over and over again, and they just jump from one vessel to the next to the next. Darkspawn are empty vessels, so to speak. Soulless. A Grey Warden, on the other hand, is not soulless but they are tainted, so when a Grey Warden kills an archdemon, and the archdemon's soul moves to the nearest tainted vessel, it jumps to the Grey Warden striking the killing blow. There is a clash of wills, of souls. Whatever it is, the archdemon dies, so does the Grey Warden, and the Blight is ended. _In death, sacrifice._ ”

“But that means that... Loghain...”

“Loghain sacrificed himself to end the Blight, yes, and it was intentional and deliberate on his part. I was going to do it, but he talked me into letting him take that final blow.”

I felt like I was choking.

“I left you to die...” I managed to say.

“That's not my point,” Rowan said sharply. “You need to understand the seriousness of what you did. Riordan was dead long before we got to the archdemon. He did wound it significantly, though, and that helped to enable us to beat it, so his sacrifice was not in vain. But his death left only Loghain and me, and it was miraculous that both of us were still alive by the time we got to the top of the tower at Fort Drakon to fight the archdemon. If we had both fallen before we could reach the archdemon...”

“The Blight would have continued. Ferelden would have been overrun with darkspawn by the time more Wardens could arrive,” I said slowly. I felt sick. Really sick. No wonder Riordan had said there were compelling reasons to have as many Grey Wardens on the field as possible. Why hadn't I listened?

I probably should have guessed. I kind of knew there had to be a really good reason for Grey Wardens to undergo such a dangerous ritual as the Joining.

I mean, sure, assuming you survive the Joining, the taint Wardens carry does have some specific benefits. Increased stamina is a big one. Also increased healing ability, plus, since you're already technically infected by darkspawn taint, you don't get sick and drop dead if you're exposed to it in battle or other ways. The taint also allows you to sense darkspawn, and sometimes other Wardens, though that last one is not always reliable.

There are other things, too, good, bad, and indifferent. Increased appetite, especially immediately after your Joining. I'd heard that Wardens also had an increased appetite for sex, but since I was a Warden before I ever had sex, I couldn't really comment on that one. There were also nightmares, sometimes of archdemons, but always of darkspawn. Some people had it worse with that, some better, though you usually learned to control that after you got used to it. And, of course, you didn't have many years after your Joining. Thirty at the most, sometimes less. After that, the taint would finally take its toll, so being a Grey Warden was essentially a slow death sentence, during which you made yourself useful.

Anyway, it all made sense now. Why there have to be Grey Wardens at all times, why you would need as many on the field as possible, why we even had to take the Joining to begin with.

I was a little disturbed that Duncan hadn't seen fit to share this information with me, especially since we'd been facing a Blight.

“Alistair,” Rowan said sternly, trying to make me focus. I knew that's what she was doing because she'd done that with me a lot of times in the past and she had a knack for it. I looked at her and she continued. “When it came to the moment of truth when the Grey Wardens absolutely needed you the most, you deserted them. I understand that you were upset and that you didn't know the full magnitude of just how much we needed Grey Wardens, but there is no excuse for what you did. We needed more Grey Wardens on hand, Loghain was there and a skilled warrior, and I made him a Grey Warden because it made sense to use the resources we had available. Being a Grey Warden is about vigilance and sacrifice, and doing whatever you must to assure victory. In the end and, indeed, from the moment of his Joining, Loghain accepted the sacred duty of a Grey Warden. I will admit, at least in private, that I never really liked Loghain, though we did come to a place of mutual understanding. But if there is one thing in this world that I do understand, it is duty. Do you?”

I shifted uncomfortably in the chair. I was ashamed. I was angry. I was annoyed. So many things going on inside my head were making it hard to concentrate.

“I know I failed,” I eventually said. I was staring at the tip of my boot because I couldn't look at her or the tapestries she had in her office. “I failed Duncan and I failed you, too. I don't even know what to say. When you recruited Loghain, I was furious. Beyond furious. It felt like you were ignoring everything Loghain had done, that you were approving of what he did. All the Grey Wardens, gone, and you were telling Loghain it was all right and inviting him to join us, to be our... comrade. I just couldn't...”

“It was a command decision, nothing more,” Rowan said icily. “Purely pragmatic. I tried to talk to you about it at the time, but you were too busy shouting at me in front of the entire assembled bannorn and demanding that people make you king so that you could kill Loghain. I intended to speak with you after the Landsmeet, have it out like we had in the past, but that didn't happen because you got banished for all your talk of taking the throne.”

“I was...” I stopped talking. I took a deep breath. I was angry, but my head was also full of things I'd known for a long time but managed to ignore or drown out with ale. “You're right,” I said. “It was stupid. Beyond stupid. I have regretted it ever since.”

Yeah, even when I was angry, even when I was drunk, I still regretted it. She seemed to ignore my confession, though, because she went right on talking in that hard, cold, angry tone that chilled me to the bone.

“If you can't accept command, I will never send you into the field as a Grey Warden. If you were to pull some stupid shit like that again in the Deep Roads, you could get your entire party killed, and I have precious few Grey Wardens as it is. I won't have you endangering people with your childish temper tantrums.”

“Tantrums...” Really? Well, yeah. Okay. I got the point. Didn't want it, but I got it. “Yes. I suppose it was, at that. I was just... so angry. I couldn't think or even see straight.”

Rowan sighed.

“I didn't betray the Grey Wardens, Alistair, no matter what you want to tell yourself,” she said. She sounded sad and resigned. “I've given my life to the order.”

I nodded. I knew she had. And she'd saved Ferelden and maybe the world. I looked up at the tapestry of the Hero of Ferelden fighting the archdemon in all its stylised, unrealistically represented glory. She was shown with her hair blowing in the wind, but she never had her hair down when she went into battle. And she was charging at the archdemon with a sword, when I'd never seen her use one at all, because she preferred daggers. Loghain had apparently been the one to kill the archedmon, but he was shown some distance behind her. All those points were wrong, but the overall image that the tapestry portrayed was right, and true. She did fight the archdemon. She did save the nation and maybe the world. She really was a hero.

“For what it's worth,” Rowan said, pulling me from my thoughts yet again, “at the time, I really didn't understand what you meant when you said that the Grey Wardens were like a family. I do now. In all honesty, even if I had understood, I probably would still have recruited Loghain, because I hate to waste resources and as it turns out, Riordan actually knew what he was talking about, but I would have gone about it differently, I think. Maybe we could have...” Her voice faltered, and I looked at her. She looked down at the top of her desk like it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen. Was she... emotional? “I wish Duncan had told you the truth about why Grey Wardens are necessary to end a Blight,” she said quietly. “But if he had, would it have mattered? Would you have been willing to stand with Loghain?”

Good question. Would I?

“I don't know,” I admitted. “Maybe. If I'd known. Because you... I would have wanted to try to save you. And I wouldn't have wanted Loghain to get all the glory. Not after what he did.”

I really would have died to save her. And to keep Loghain from dying a hero. For some reason, though, Rowan looked upset, the corners of her mouth turned down. She looked sad and angry and mournful all at the same time. I had no idea what that meant, but I had more I wanted to say to her.

“I have spent a lot of time thinking about what happened,” I said, quietly, tiredly. “What you did, what I did, all of that. I know I was wrong. No matter how angry I was or how I felt, I should never have done what I did. Duncan would have been so disappointed in me. I know that. Now, I want to make up for that. I need to. I need to make Duncan proud of me, even if he's gone.”

Her expression changed. Hardened or something like it. Again, I didn't know why and couldn't guess.

“Can you accept command, or are you likely to throw fits when told to do things you don't agree with or when things don't go your way?” she asked, her voice sharp. “Go away and think about that. We'll talk another time. Right now I need to be alone with the Lieutenant Commander. He and I have things to discuss.”

“About me?” I asked as I stood up.

“What I discuss with my lieutenant is none of your concern,” Rowan snapped. “Get out. And shut the door when you go.”

I went.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rowan's POV, in the first story: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/27634173>


	5. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair gets an eyeful and figures out a few things. 
> 
> This chapter isn't particularly explicit, but it has mature subject matter and sexual references.

I went off into the Keep, not having any idea where I was, where I should be, or where Teagan was. I'd heard Howe tell Teagan to ask for Mistress Dryden to see to his accommodation and needs. That name sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it and right at that moment I was feeling kind of woozy and nauseated and I couldn't think at all. So I wandered around for a while, trying to get a feel for the place.

It was big. Like, really big. The Howes had owned all of this, and yet they'd still taken Highever and the arldom of Denerim. Well, Rendon Howe had. His son, Nathaniel hadn't been involved in that, or so Teagan had assured me. I didn't know what to make of Nathaniel Howe. He was protective of Rowan and he sure seemed to have it in for me. And he knew she and I had been lovers. She was really hurt and upset by what I'd done, according to Teagan. I could believe that. I was really harsh with her at the Landsmeet. At the time, it seemed justified. Maybe it was, I don't know. But I can see how she'd be really angry about it, anyway. And really hurt.

I made my way through a series of rooms and found myself in a small inner courtyard. I wondered which way the barracks were but then realised I had no idea where my lodging was. The Keep had housing within the walls but outside the main fortress, too, and there were a couple of different wings and I didn't know if the Grey Wardens were housed with the soldiers or not.

I turned around and got lost again, but eventually found myself back in the great hall, much to my relief. And the Commander's office was just right over there. Since I had no idea who Mistress Dryden was or where to find her, I thought I'd just go and ask Rowan.

I opened the door without knocking and, wow, was I sorry I'd done that. Rowan was partly naked, with her top off and her breasts spilling out over the top of her corset. She was wearing a corset! She was bending over the desk, her skirt hiked up around her waist, and Howe was behind her, his hands resting on the cheeks of her curvy, firm arse. I couldn't see completely, thank the Maker, but I could tell he had his breeches down.

I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped. I was dumbfounded and all I could do was just stare at what I'd walked in on. It felt like I stood there for ages, but in reality it was only a couple of seconds as they both snapped their heads up, looked toward the door, and shouted in almost perfect unison for me to get out. I quickly slammed the door shut, my face burning. I staggered into the main hall, in a mild state of shock.

One of the guards in the hall snickered. I looked at him and he grinned at me.

“I'm thinking you just got yourself an eyeful, did you, lad?” the guard said. “Word of advice. The Commander maintains an open door policy, but that doesn't mean you can just open any door without knocking. When the door is shut, it means whoever is in there wants privacy. That goes for most of the Keep, but especially the Commander's office.”

I just stared at him for a minute. That was the moment that I understood that Rowan and Nathaniel Howe were lovers, and everyone knew. Including Teagan. I burned with humiliation, anger, confusion, hurt. I was infuriated. Did I mention I was really, really pissed off? Because I was. I didn't even know exactly why, but I felt like she was just incredible fickle and I felt betrayed. Again!

“Are you Alistair?” said a feminine voice, cutting through the red haze of my thoughts. I turned to see a tall, slim, dark haired woman wearing clothes that were simple but very well-made. She had an attractive face, a kind of long oval shape, and grey eyes.

I nodded to her. She introduced herself as Mistress Dryden, the housekeeper, and offered to show me to my room. I asked her if I had a room all to myself, and she said that all the Grey Wardens did. So I was really going to be allowed to be a Grey Warden, I guessed. Maybe. Who knew. But I was getting my own room, and I wasn't going to complain about that.

When I was at the orphanage, I slept in a big dormitory with a couple dozen other boys, though that was better than when I was at Redcliffe, because of course I'd had to sleep in the stables. At least at the monastery I had my own bed and four solid walls around me, even if I had exactly no privacy.

Then when I became a templar-in-training, it was similar, but the rooms were smaller, so there were only six or eight of us to a room. As a Grey Warden, I mostly slept in tents during the Blight, but before that, when Duncan was still in charge, we sometimes stayed at inns and roadhouses, too. Occasionally, we'd be guests at the home of a bann or noble, which was always a treat. Now and then, we'd lodge at a Chantry that had rooms available for travellers. But mostly it was the tents and bedrolls on the ground.

Now the Wardens had this permanent place, this fortress, and I had this room. It was good. Not overly fancy, but four solid walls, a window with heavy drapes to keep out the cold and the light, and a small hearth, which would make it cozy on cold nights. Wardrobe, chest, small table and a chair. Armour rack. Sword rack. Chamber pot, though there was a communal privy just down the hall, according to Mistress Dryden. Small book shelf. Night stand. And of course the bed. It was pretty big and when I was alone, I stretched out on it to test it and found it to be a lot more comfortable than a lot of beds I'd slept in. I didn't pull back the sheets, but I was sure they would be clean and the bed well-made. Mistress Dryden didn't seem like the sort of housekeeper to allow bedbugs or fleas or mucky sheets. I couldn't imagine Rowan putting up with that, either.

I was still feeling cranky, so I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Someone had brought up the pack containing my meagre belongings and I'd spent some time putting the clothes away, just so. It was a distraction, though not a very good one.

I pulled a book off the shelf at random and settled in to do some reading. It turned out to be one of the volumes of the History of the Blight. I'd read all the volumes when I was in templar training in the Chantry, but I started reading this one anyway to pass the time.

I was feeling okay until I got the the part about the Battle of Starkhaven which ended the Second Blight. Though technically a Blight was ended by a single Warden, one who I now knew would die killing the archdemon, the Battle of Starkhaven was won by a pair of Wardens who were lovers. She sacrificed herself to save him, and because of that, he was able to slay the archdemon immediately after that and he died, so they kind of died together ending the Blight. Her sacrifice was recorded and recognised as much as his was.

I tossed the book aside with a grunt. I'd read it before, yes, but it didn't have the same impact on me then. Rowan and I could have been those lovers and taken down the archdemon together. Or I could have done it and she could have lived, I guess. I'd always thought if Rowan hadn't insisted on recruiting Loghain, we would have stayed together, but now that I knew what happened to the Grey Warden who kills the archdemon, I'd have to rethink that. It came down, once again, to me deserting my duty. If I'd stayed, Rowan and I probably could have patched things up, and we could have sent Loghain in the kill the archdemon and she and I could have been together. Maybe.

I didn't even know what I was thinking or why, I was just all jumbled up and unhappy and angry and... jealous. Because now Nathaniel Broodybreeches Howe was her Grey Warden lover and they did Wardeny things as a team and it should have been me. Could have been me. Maybe.

This was doing my head in.

When Teagan came to get me for dinner, he said we'd been invited to eat in the Commander's private dining room, just the four of us. Four of us. Of course. Can't have a meal without Broodybreeches, can we? I told Teagan I wasn't hungry, even though I really was. I preferred to go hungry rather than sit through a meal with the man I'd just seen bending Rowan over her very impressive desk. Teagan just sighed, told me he'd arrange to have a meal sent to my room, and left me to my own devices.

The meal was really good. Very generous portions fit for a Grey Warden's appetite. Simple, but delicious. The main course was a variation on traditional Ferelden lamb and pea stew, but it was made with smoky ham instead of lamb, plus it had a subtle kind of seasoning that enhanced the flavour of the peas. The bread it was served with was crusty and chewy at the same time, and for dessert there was some sort of sweet baked egg custard with a crunchy, sweet top. Wow. If all the meals at Vigil's Keep were this good, I'd be a happy man, at least where my stomach was concerned.

When I finished eating I stacked my dishes carefully outside the door and made a quick trip to the privy down the hall before I went back to my room to think about stuff. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. I kept swinging between thinking some very uncharitable things about Rowan and her fickle romantic habits and to feeling like I still loved her and wanted to get her back. I couldn't see any way to do that, mind you. I mean, I hadn't seen her with Howe very much, but I didn't think he'd be the sort to bow out gracefully or anything. And the way Rowan had spoken to me made it pretty clear she was still really angry with me. I was angry with her, too, at least some of the time. When I wasn't wishing I could just pull her into my arms and kiss her until she said she forgave me and all the other men meant nothing to her, I mean.

I fell asleep thinking about that, and I dreamed of her. Well, a nightmare, really. One I'd had before but hadn't had in a long time. In it, the archdemon was there, and Rowan was naked and unarmed and trying to fight it. She was calling to me, trying to get me to join in the fight, to help her. I just stood and watched as she fought the dragon, defenceless, with her bare hands. It felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest, but I still stood there, unable to move, unable to help. I woke up in a cold sweat just before dawn, shivering because I hadn't thought to light a fire and I'd forgotten how cold it could get inside a stone fortress in the autumn in Ferelden.

And one other thing was crystal clear and incredibly vivid to me when I woke up. No matter how many lovers she'd had since we parted, no matter how angry she was with me or how angry I was with her, no matter that she let Lord Broodybreeches bend her over the desk in an extremely unprofessional manner, I was still in love with Rowan Cousland.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're curious exactly what Rowan and Nathaniel were doing in the office (and why): [Distraction (NSFW)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/27792159)


	6. Melina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair meets Melina.

When Teagan came to get me at breakfast time, he told me that Rowan had decided to give me a few days to get settled in. He didn't say it, but I knew she was considering what to do with me. In the meantime, I was free to go anywhere within the confines of the Keep, though it was strongly advised that I keep out of the cellars for the time being. I also learned that Rowan and Lord Broodybreeches customarily ate breakfast together in their suite, so they wouldn't be in the dining hall this morning. That was a relief, even if it did chafe a bit to learn that they shared a suite and to picture Rowan in her dressing gown with her hair all mussed up from bed, sipping tea and eating toast and jam with Nathaniel Howe.

There weren't that many people in the dining hall, given the size of it. Teagan told me this one was mostly used by the senior staff and the Wardens. The soldiers had their own kitchens and their own mess hall in a different part of the Keep, closer to the barracks. Teagan nodded a greeting to a man with silver hair and an impressive chin, and then casually said that was Varel, Rowan's personal secretary, though he used to be the Senechal. The current Senechal was Garevel, and he was also the guard captain, but he wasn't present. The rest were Wardens, as far as Teagan was aware, but then he said he didn't know everyone at the Keep so I'd have to ask around.

I hadn't met any of the Wardens yet, of course, but I was pretty sure they knew who I was by their expressions and the murmurings and whispers as Teagan and I made our way along the sideboards, choosing food from the chafing dishes. I ignored everyone as I took in the impressive spread of food.

When we had our breakfast dished up, Teagan took a seat and I sat across from him to tuck in to the meal. I had my back to the hall and I just kept my head down as I ate my breakfast. Last night's dinner hadn't been a fluke, as it turned out. The food here was really good.

Much to my surprise, a feminine voice behind me said good morning. When I looked up, I saw a pretty woman with deep blue eyes and a tan complexion. She had wide cheekbones and an angled jaw with a little pointy chin, and dark brown hair that she wore in a short ponytail. She was smiling at me. I probably blushed. Attractive women smiling at me generally caused that to happen.

“May I sit with you?” she asked.

“Yes, of course,” Teagan answered with a charming smile. “I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name. I believe we've met, but it was, alas, all too briefly.”

I resisted rolling my eyes. He was like this, though, all charm and smiles and gracious introductions and so on. I should be used to it, but for some reason, lately it was bothering me. Like when he greeted Rowan with a kiss and a hug. And just now, flirting with the pretty brunette who was settling on the bench beside me, though not too close.

“Melina,” she answered. “Grey Warden.”

“Ah, yes,” Teagan answered with a smile. “Melina the Grey Warden. You're a mage, I believe?”

“Yes,” she answered with a smile. “So you do remember.”

“Not well enough,” he answered silkily, and I bristled inside.

“You're Alistair,” she said to me.

“I know.”

She laughed, her blue eyes sparkling. “We were briefed about your impending arrival,” she explained as she stirred milk and butter into her oat porridge.

“Oh.” That didn't sound good to me. If they were briefed, it probably meant they knew all about me, the royal bastard, and how I had gotten myself exiled because I wouldn't accept Loghain into the ranks of the Grey Wardens. But then he'd gone on to die a hero and... Yeah. Bad decision on my part.

“Have you been back in Ferelden for long?” she asked after she'd swallowed a mouthful of her porridge.

“A few months. Long enough to get sober and fit for fighting.”

She nodded. “How is that going for you? The sobriety, I mean. Obviously the fitness is... fine.”

I frowned slightly. “Not as bad as I might have expected. It's worst when there's alcohol on offer and everyone else is drinking. But I've been keeping with water or sometimes fresh juice or milk and it's all right. Better than waking up in a strange place with a throbbing headache, anyway.”

“It can be hard to give up a habit like that,” Melina said. “You should be proud of yourself.”

“Yes, Alistair,” Teagan agreed. “You really should.”

“Well, for that, maybe,” I conceded, “but I've got lots of other things to not be proud of.”

“We all do,” Melina shrugged. “Some are just more... public than others.”

“I'll bet you don't,” I argued.

“Of course I do. Even the Commander has regrets.”

I took a bite of sausage and chewed thoughtfully.

“The Commander,” I said when I'd swallowed, “is the Hero of Ferelden. I don't think she has much to be sorry about.”

“You might be surprised,” Melina answered. “But that's not really for me to talk about. So, have you found your way around the Keep yet?”

I told her about getting lost the day before. She nodded and didn't say anything about the incident with me walking into the office without knocking. I didn't know if it had gotten around yet or not, though I knew it would. I decided not to bring it up. No point humiliating myself before I had to, right?

We talked about the patrol schedules. Apparently, the Deep Roads were quite empty at the moment, so Grey Warden patrols were gone for weeks or even months at a time, but they didn't go out that often because there was almost no point. Mostly they just ended up making maps and killing deep stalkers and giant spiders, and eating a lot of nugs.

Yeah, nug was not my favourite food. Not that it tasted that bad, once you got used to it. It was just that after you'd been in the Deep Roads for a while, you pretty much had to subsist on nugs and deep mushrooms when the food ran out. Mages could magic up drinking water, but creating food out of thin air was a lot harder, as in, I'd never heard of any mage being able to do such a thing. So when you ran out of rations, you ended up eating what was available, and that meant mushrooms and nugs. Sometimes for weeks.

“The food here is good,” I said, because that's where my mind had wandered.

“It is,” Melina agreed, and so did Teagan. “The chef is Orlesian.”

“Why? Was he... she? Left from when the Howes were in charge?”

“No, the Orlesian Wardens brought him.” I must have made a confused face because she said, “Oh, don't you know about that? I'm surprised. After the end of the Blight, Weisshaupt sent a company of Orlesian Wardens to start getting the Keep in order. They all ended up being killed in a darkspawn attack on the Keep. There's an entrance to the Deep Roads in the dungeons, or there was. It's possible there's more than one. You'd have to ask Nathaniel about that. Or Sigrun, his assistant. They've been mapping the cellars as part of the rebuilding of the Keep.”

“Where was Rowan during that attack?” I asked. I was confused. It probably showed.

“She arrived as it was underway,” Teagan put in. “Rowan didn't get official word that she'd been made Warden-Commander for a few months after the end of the war. She was in Denerim for several months following the final battle of the Blight.”

“Most of the Wardens were already dead when the Commander got here,” Melina explained. “They were taken quite by surprise, attacked from within. Most were unarmed.”

She sounded very sad. I wondered if she knew the Orlesian Wardens or something.

“Were you here, then?” I asked.

“No,” Melina answered. “I joined after the Amaranthine Conflict, when the Commander was recruiting via the Mages Collective.”

I remembered something about the Mages Collective. My templar training made me uncomfortable with the idea of self-regulating mages who operated outside the supervision of the Chantry, but as far as I'd seen, they weren't misbehaving or causing any trouble. But Melina had been a member, so I guessed she must be an apostate, and I tried not to judge her on that.

“So if all the Orlesian Wardens were killed, how did the Commander have any Wardens during the Amaranthine Conflict? Did she just use soldiers or...?”

“Oghren was here, wanting to become a Grey Warden. She put him through the Joining and he was with her throughout the Conflict, along with a mage who somehow ended up here, pursued by templars. There were others she managed to recruit along the way, including Nathaniel. Only Sigrun and Nathaniel are still here, though.”

Melina paused to take a drink of whatever was in her mug. Tea, I thought.

“On the topic of Oghren,” Melina said seriously when she put down her mug again, “I should warn you that he has a lot to say about you. Not much of it is good. He is deeply devoted to the Commander, and he took your... leaving quite personally.”

“It seems that a lot of people do,” I said, a little more bitterly than I might have intended.

It was nice that Melina hadn't said _desertion_ like most people did. It was also nice that she didn't seem all angry and judgemental about it. An awful lot of people really did seem to take what had happened as a personal affront.

But Oghren was actually there, at that Landsmeet, and he saw the whole thing, heard the mean things I said, saw the demands I made. It was no wonder at all that he had it in for me.

“Where is Oghren?” I wondered out loud.

“He's often late for breakfast,” Melina answered. “Food is on offer all the time here, though it's not always hot or fresh, of course. We can eat whenever we like. I don't think Oghren cares much for mornings.”

I wondered if that was her polite way of saying he usually had a hangover, but I didn't say it out loud. Surprisingly.

“Are you and the Commander close?” I asked. She seemed to know a lot about what happened and what went on. I figured she and Rowan were friends.

“As close as anyone who isn't Nathaniel Howe can be,” Melina answered with a smile. I couldn't help but frown.

I kind of wanted to ask Melina more about Rowan's relationship with Nathaniel, but I got the feeling this wasn't the time or place for that, so instead we talked about the routines and schedules of Vigil's Keep.

There were daily training sessions in the practice yard. Archery three times a week. Nathaniel led that – apparently he was an outstanding archer, because of course he was. Rowan and he also worked with the soldiers and Wardens on rogue skills like lurking around in shadows and moving quietly and picking locks and so on, so it seems I was right when I pegged Howe for a rogue. And they regularly held training for hand combat, rogue-style, I would guess.

I was surprised to learn there were still uncharted and unmapped dungeons and cellars below. The Keep was built into bedrock, so I guess it wasn't that strange. I was more surprised to hear about the ancient dwarven outpost and the equally ancient Avvar tomb that had been cursed or haunted or something. Melina hadn't seen the haunting herself, but she'd gone below with Nathaniel to investigate it before they sealed it off, to make sure there were no more unhappy spirits or whatever else might be lurking there. And that's how I learned that Melina came from the Avvar people, though she grew up in a typical Ferelden village and not in some barbarian settlement in the mountains.

She talked for a while about the grandmother who raised her, a hedge mage who was a midwife and a practical healer, as well as a spirit healer. Melina had received training as a healer, too, from a young age. When Melina's magic manifested, her grandmother had trained her in magic, including some very minor healing spells, but she hadn't become a spirit healer until fairly recently, when the Wardens went to Soldier's Peak and began to comb through the research there.

So she'd grown up apart from the Chantry and the Circle. A true apostate. My experience with apostates had not been the best, to put it mildly. Of course, Melina seemed worlds away from Morrigan, the Witch of the Wilds, in almost every way. Melina was prettier, for a start. And she was a whole lot nicer. Morrigan had been a shape shifter, which I considered pretty sneaky as these things go. Melina specialised in ice spells, and now spirit healing, though she said she dabbled in many areas. So, yeah, not much like Morrigan. Thankfully.

We talked for what seemed like a long time, and eventually, Melina said it was time she got to work. She and another mage, an alchemist and healer, ran the Keep's infirmary, and she taught practical and herbal healing skills to anyone who wanted to learn.

I asked her half-jokingly if she had anything for a broken heart.

“Time, distraction, and acceptance,” she answered kindly.

I'd had plenty of time and distraction, but no acceptance. I wondered if I was ever going to get there. I didn't say any of that out loud, but Melina patted me on the arm as she got up to leave.

“Why don't you go out to the exercise yard and get some practice in?” she suggested. “Or spend some time getting familiar with the Keep. After all, it's your home now.”

Home.

During the Blight, when we were constantly travelling, I used to dream about the day that Rowan and I could settle down somewhere and have a home. The Grey Wardens hadn't had one in Ferelden for hundreds of years, but I thought with the rediscovery of Soldier's Peak, maybe that would be their home. Our home. Instead, it was Vigil's Keep, the ancestral home of Nathaniel Howe, who shared an office and a bed with the woman I still loved.

Not exactly the home I had envisioned.

 


	7. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair learns some surprising things about Lord Broodybreeches.

Rowan and Howe came to dinner in the mess hall. They filled their plates and came over to Teagan and sat down. I was sitting beside him, so they sat across from us. Lord Broodybreeches was scowling at me the whole time, but he did lighten up when he spoke to Teagan. Rowan pretty much ignored me completely. Howe kept touching her. I think he was just trying to remind her he was there or something. It irritated me, anyway.

It also made my heart ache. He was sitting way too close to her, touching her hand, or sometimes her leg, under the table. I couldn't see that, but it made sense for their positions and body posture. And I watched and wished I was the one sitting next to her, touching her, reassuring her or whatever he was doing. Then he'd turn that steely grey gaze on me, his dark brows drawn together. I kind of expected him to bare his teeth and snarl, like a mabari guarding his territory.

Rowan had a mabari, Ser Barkley. I'd been told the dog was here at the Keep, but I hadn't seen him yet. One time, during the Blight, I got too close to that dog's food and he nearly took my fingers off. Forgetting he was a real war dog was a mistake I didn't make again. The comparison between that experience and dealing with Nathaniel Howe wasn't lost on me.

I wondered where Melina was. She may have eaten earlier, or would be eating later. She'd made it pretty clear that while there were set meal times, it was not considered necessary to show up for them. If you wanted the food hot and fresh, you did, but otherwise, you ate when it pleased you. She'd said something about working on a new potion recipe in the laboratory, so maybe she was busy with that.

Oghren did show up, though, and sat at a table where he could watch me. I think he growled once. Or maybe it was a grunt. Hard to tell with Oghren. Then then he caught my eye and did this gesture with his hand, where he pointed two fingers at his eyes and then at me. Yeah, he was watching me. I don't know what he thought he was going to see, but it wasn't like anything I did was interesting at all. All I'd done since I arrived was eat, sleep, and wander around, apart from the meeting with Rowan and her scowling lover.

Lover. That really bothered me. I mean, the man's father was the Butcher of Denerim, and of Highever, too. He'd been behind a lot of the horrible things that happened in the war. It was shocking to think that Rowan could take Nathaniel Howe to her bed. I had to grudgingly admit I could see why she'd go for Teagan. He was suave and charming and all that. And maybe she was lonely, I don't know. It still bothered me to think of her with Teagan, but I could kind of understand it. But Nathaniel Howe? No, I couldn't see that at all. One of the things she always said she liked about me was that I made her laugh, and yet Howe never seemed to crack a smile. I couldn't imagine him laughing. I didn't get it at all.

When dinner was over, Rowan and Howe told Teagan that it was game night in the recreation room and invited him to join. Apparently, they were going to play Wicked Grace. I wasn't interested at all, but Teagan was happy to accept the offer. He asked me if I'd join them and I just shook my head, and the three of them headed out of the dining hall together.

Howe had his hand on Rowan's lower back, low enough to make it clear they were intimate, but not quite low enough to be indecent. Or so I thought until just before they got out the door, when he slipped his hand down and cupped her arse cheek. He glanced over his shoulder at me and when he saw I was watching, I frowned. He smirked.

I wanted to follow after them and punch him. I didn't, of course, but I definitely wanted to. But to be honest, some part of me kind of, sort of, maybe thought I deserved to be mocked. After all, I'd had her, in every sense, and I threw that all away. Maybe I had good reason, maybe I didn't, but at the end of the day, I really was the one who ended my relationship with Rowan Cousland.

This back and forth thing with my emotions was really annoying. It was so much easier to just be angry and self-righteous about it all. Rowan shouldn't have recruited Loghain! The man was a traitor and a liar and a lot of other terrible things. But now that I knew there really was good reason for her to do that, with the Warden who killed the archdemon dying and all that, but she didn't know that at the time and neither did I. Yeah, Riordan made it clear we needed as many Wardens as possible, and maybe I should have listened, but at the time I figured he just didn't know what kind of man Loghain was or the things Loghain had done. And then Loghain went and sacrificed himself and Rowan lived and...

It made me dizzy. I wanted to be angry and sometimes I still was, but at the same time, I just wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her like I used to do. She used to melt into me, and she'd get this look on her face and... Yeah.

Now Howe was the one she looked at like that. I mean, I hadn't seen that, exactly, but I'd seen enough.

I had to go to my room. Not because of thinking about her... well, a little. It was hard to keep the image of her naked breasts out of my head. I'd missed her a lot, and seeing her like that was hard to forget. But then I'd remember him standing there with his breeches down and his hands on her arse cheeks and it was just confusing and infuriating and heartbreaking and a bunch of other stuff that I didn't really know how to deal with.

I was in my room, sulking, when there was knock on my door. I assumed it was Teagan and I shouted to come in. I was surprised to see Melina and I hopped up and tried to look like I hadn't just been moping around, feeling sorry for myself.

“How are you settling in, Alistair?” she asked. “I heard you had a proper tour of the Keep today.”

“Yeah, I did. It's... big,” I said. “Really, really big.”

“It is that.”

“I... guess this is why we get our own rooms,” I added. Even I thought that sounded dumb.

She laughed. Not a mean, _wow, you're so stupid_ , kind of laugh. She laughed like she actually found me funny. For some reason, that made me feel a little better.

“Do you need anything?” she asked.

Yes, I did. I wasn't sure what, though, so I shook my head.

“I thought you might like to talk,” she said in a very matter-of-fact kind of way.

I considered shaking my head, but she was a healer and I felt weirdly comfortable with her, despite having only just met her. Maybe she could help me sort out some of the confusing stuff that was in my head and my heart.

“Tell me about Nathaniel,” I said quietly. “I only know a little. Rowan and he are... together. I... don't understand it.”

My heart ached. Melina smiled softly and put a hand on my arm.

“Let's sit down,” she said. She pulled up the stool and sat on that and gestured for me to sit on be bed. “And you can call me Mel, if you want. A lot of people do.” I nodded. She continued, “Now, do you really want to know about Nathaniel and Rowan?” she asked, her expression really serious.

“Yes. I really do.”

“A lot of people confide in me because I'm a healer and a good listener. I will not betray anyone's trust or confidences, and that includes yours.”

“I understand.”

“I will, however, share with you some of the common knowledge stories and a few things I've observed for myself. Things that don't betray anyone's trust.”

That sounded all right, and I told her so.

“Very well. Rendon Howe sent Nathaniel away to the Free Marches when he was not quite twenty years old. He remained there for years. He didn't even make it to his own mother's funeral rites because by the time he got the news, the services were all over and done. When the war in Ferelden began, Nathaniel didn't have a lot of news from home. He lost touch with his sister and feared the worst. Then, eventually, word came that his father had been killed, and by none other than the Grey Warden who had become known as the Hero of Ferelden, but she was also someone he knew, the younger sister of one of his oldest friends. Nathaniel was upset that his father had been killed, but he was more angry when he learned that the name Howe was blackened and dishonoured, and that he'd been stripped of his inheritance. That's when he resigned his position and returned to Ferelden.”

“Why did his father send him away?” I asked. The idea of it kind of hit a little close to home for me, though I was only ten when I was sent away, and Arl Eamon wasn't my father.

“I don't know,” Melina admitted. “It may have had something to do with Jess, but I'm getting ahead of myself. When Nathaniel returned to Ferelden, he firmly believed that his father had been killed for being on the wrong side of the war. It apparently took some time before he understood that his father was quite rightly known as the Butcher of Denerim, and that the attack on Highever was an unprovoked betrayal. It wasn't until he found his sister that he understood the depth of his father's depravity.”

“His sister?” I asked. Again, that was familiar, although my sister was a gold digging harridan. Half-sister, really. I did still wonder if she and her children had gotten out of Denerim all right, though. But now I was wondering what Nathaniel Howe's sister was like and where she was.

“You've met her,” Melina said. “Mistress Dryden, the housekeeper.”

“What?” My jaw dropped. The housekeeper was... dark-haired, slim, with grey eyes and... yeah. I could see how she could be Nathaniel's sister. She didn't have the prominent nose, though, which was probably a good thing.

“Delilah Howe married Albert Dryden, hence, Mistress Dryden,” Melina patiently explained. “Albert was a merchant in the city of Amaranthine when they married. Now, he does most of his business at the Keep. They also have a son, Dane.”

“So Nathaniel's nephew and sister both live here at Vigil's Keep,” I said. I was still kind of dumbfounded.

“Yes. And there's his son, of course. Tristan.”

“Wait. A... Nathaniel has a son?!”

Now I was really confused. Flummoxed, you might say. One of the effects of the Joining was that it rendered Grey Wardens infertile, or close to it. I had been told that it was sometimes possible for a Grey Warden to have a child with a non-tainted partner, but that it was unlikely. Two Grey Wardens making a child together was pretty much impossible. Hence my shock.

“Tristan's mother is Jess, the Keep's tailor,” Melina said, apparently sensing my confusion. “I mentioned her earlier.”

I just frowned, because I was still mightily confused. Nathaniel had a son with the Keep's tailor?

“How old is Tristan?” I asked.

“Eleven.”

“Still confused,” I said.

“Jess was a servant at Vigil's Keep when Rendon Howe was arl, about twelve years ago,” Melina explained. “She and Nathaniel had an intimate relationship. When she became pregnant, the arl got wind of it and interfered, causing Jess to flee to Highever, while Nathaniel was sent off to the Free Marches without ever knowing she carried his child. When he found out about his son from the Teyrn of Highever, Nathaniel immediately took an interest and went to meet with Jess and Tristan, and both of them came to Vigil's Keep, since Jess wanted her son to have a family, Nathaniel wanted to get to know his son, and there are other family members here for Tristan, as well.”

Right. So that make a little more sense, anyway. I had all kinds of strange things flying through my head for a little while there. But then I had another thought.

“Isn't that.... I don't know. Disrespectful to Rowan? For Howe to have have his bastard here? And the boy's mother, too...”

“It was Rowan's idea,” Melina informed me. “I don't think I'm betraying any confidences if I tell you that Rowan was appalled by how you were treated as a child by... Lady Isobel, was it?”

“Isolde.”

“Yes. Rowan would never stand for Nathaniel's son being treated like that. She invited Jess and Tristan to live here. Jess is a tailor by trade, so she set up her business here and she does well at it. It worked out well for everyone.”

Melina smiled. It was pretty clear that she approved of the situation. I was still a little shocked by it all, but I had to admit that it was just like Rowan. I wondered how well she got along with Jess the tailor, but knowing Rowan, they were probably bosom buddies who shared gossip and did each other's hair and stuff.

I was also a little surprised that Rowan cared so much about my upbringing, even to the point of mentioning it to Melina. I mean, I knew that Rowan didn't like Isolde and thought her cruel, but I was strangely pleased that because of my story, Rowan wanted to make sure that Nathaniel's bastard son was with family. An aunt, a cousin, and his own father. What I would have given to have even one of those in my life.

Now, though, I had to ask what I really needed to know. I looked at Melina and felt like I could trust her to tell me the truth, and I felt like she knew Rowan and probably Nathaniel well enough to know the answer.

“So... is he... Nathaniel, is he good to Rowan?” I asked quietly. Like, really quietly. I'm surprised Melina heard me at all.

“He is,” she said. “He loves her more than his own life. He also understands that she carries a great deal of responsibility, and it can be a terrible weight on her. Nathaniel shoulders some of that burden for her, in so many ways. He makes it possible for her to be who she has to be.”

I felt numb. I got up to start a fire before it got too much colder. I was having a kind of realisation I didn't want but couldn't stop.

When I was with her, during the Blight, after all the other Grey Wardens had been killed at Ostagar, I'd basically just put her in charge and told her to lead and that I'd follow. Once, she even offered to step aside and let me take the lead, but I refused. I made a joke of it, of course, but I still refused. I suddenly understood with painful clarity that I pretty much made her take the lead whether or not she wanted that.

And now it struck me, _hard_ , that maybe... Maybe I hadn't done as much as I could have for her. Maybe I was thinking more about myself than I was about her. Maybe I did that a lot.

“I... think I need to... be alone,” I managed to say. I had my back to Melina, arranging split logs in the small hearth. I felt kind of dizzy and sick to my stomach now. “Thank you for your company and for talking to me.”

 _And for not hating me or calling me a fool for what I did_ , I added in my head but didn't say out loud.

“Are you sure you're all right?” she asked. I could hear a worried tone in her voice.

“I... no, I'm not, really, but I need to be alone and think about some things.” I stood up and turned to look at her. She looked concerned, brows drawn together over those expressive blue eyes. “Can we talk again, though?” I asked her.

“Yes, of course,” she said. Then she put a hand on my arm and said, “Any time, Alistair.”

My whole face went hot, even my ears. I felt like I was glowing. She very politely ignored that as she removed her hand from my arm and bent toward the hearth. She wiggled her fingers in a magey kind of way over the wood I'd so carefully arranged, setting it alight with delicate but very effective precision. I'd rarely seen a mage who could control their magic like that. I was impressed, especially since she was a semi-barbarian apostate raised by a hedge mage. I didn't say that out loud, of course.

“Good night,” she said as she left. “I'll talk to you later.”

“I look forward to it,” I said automatically, but as the door shut behind her I realised I really meant it.


	8. Competition

The next day, Teagan was getting ready to leave Vigil's Keep. He was going to Denerim and would be there for a while, and he would be giving a full report to the queen about my placement with the Grey Wardens. I still didn't know what I was going to be doing, but I guess they'd worked out something so that Teagan felt confident enough to leave. Anyway, he and I had breakfast together, and I had to ask a few things.

“Did you know about Nathaniel's son?” I asked. I'd been thinking about that all night.

“Yes.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

He looked genuinely surprised. “Why would I have?”

“Because it's...”

I had to stop because I couldn't think of a reason that made sense.

“How well do you know Rowan and Nathaniel?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Rowan and I have been friends for years. I know her well,” Teagan answered. “I've also known Nathaniel for years, and I would say that I know him well enough. Why?”

“What does she see in him?”

“Alistair,” Teagan said sharply, but keeping his voice low in the dining hall, “I have warned you that she is out of your reach. Do not trifle with her, nor with Nathaniel Howe, for that matter.”

“I wasn't going to trifle with anyone,” I said. I was offended. Affronted, even. And I don't even know how to trifle. “I just... can't see what she sees in him.”

“Oh, you mean apart from the fact that he's handsome, intelligent, confident, self-assured, a skilled fighter, a competent commander, and absolutely devoted to the Grey Wardens and to her?”

_Yeah, apart from all that._ I frowned, but I didn't really say that out loud.

“He never smiles,” I grumbled. “She used to say she liked that I made her laugh. He never even smiles.”

Teagan smiled then, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Oh, trust me, Alistair, Nathaniel Howe has a keen sense of humour. Dry, sarcastic, witty, usually delivered with a completely straight face. And he does smile. He even laughs, in the right company. And he makes Rowan laugh, too.”

“But he's so... scowly. And... intimidating.”

“He can certainly be intimidating,” Teagan agreed, though he was smiling as he said it. “But Rowan is not intimidated by him in the least.”

“What about you? Does he intimidate you?”

“No,” Teagan answered, “but I am an old hand at dealing with powerful men who want to make sure I know my place as they see it. My advice is to simply respect the man's rightful authority and avoid encroaching on that which he considers his territory.”

“Territory? I assume you mean Rowan?” I was more surly than I intended to be, but there it was.

“Rowan is the Commander of the Grey,” Teagan reminded me again, as if I'd forgotten. “And Nathaniel Howe is second only to Rowan. Do not provoke them.”

“I know, I know,” I said grudgingly, mostly to get Teagan to stop frowning at me the way he was. It was his _I'm being serious you have to listen to me_ look. I'd seen it a lot since he brought me back to Ferelden. And I did know, anyway. Nathaniel Howe seemed like he'd be happy to stick a dagger in my vital organs and then push me off a high wall and he wouldn't even think twice about it. And Rowan had basically threatened to kill me if I got out line, so, yeah. I was aware.

I was feeling resentful now. My emotions were all over the place, and it was bothersome.

“Do you really have to go?” I asked Teagan, even though I knew the answer.

“Yes. You can reach me by courier easily enough. If there is some urgent matter, I can be here in a couple of days or possibly less. Just remember, this is what you wanted. You should make the best of it. If it truly fails to work out, I will take responsibility for your placement, but I may not give you a choice in the matter. I might just deposit you on Eamon's doorstep.”

Oh, Lady Isolde would love that. At least this time she couldn't make me sleep in the barn. I didn't think. And I really did want to at least try to redeem myself with the Grey Wardens. I owed Duncan that much.

“All right, I get it,” I said. “What should I do after you go, though? I still don't have an assignment or anything.”

“There are many ways to pass the time at Vigil's Keep, but I suggest you make use of the training yard. Remind people that you are a capable warrior and, despite everything, still a Grey Warden.”

After breakfast, I went with Teagan to his quarters, which were much fancier than mine, probably because he was a guest and a bann and all that, and I helped him pack for his journey to Denerim. He kept a whole wardrobe in his suite at the palace, so he didn't have a lot to pack.

The soldiers he'd brought with us were waiting in the courtyard. Rowan and Lord Broodybreeches came out to bid Teagan farewell. Howe shook Teagan's hand and they did that thing where you give each other a half hug while hitting each other on the back in a manly sort of way. Then Rowan stepped up to Teagan and hugged him, and he hugged her back, a little too long and a little too close, I thought. I glanced at Howe, but he didn't seem bothered by it. I wondered why he wasn't. Maybe he just knew he couldn't intimidate Teagan so he didn't bother trying.

Then Rowan kissed Teagan. On the mouth. Not like, all passionate or anything, just a chaste, sweet peck on the lips between friends, but still. She kissed him. They smiled at each other. Warmly, kindly. Intimately. Like they cared for each other.

It made my heart ache. Rowan and I had been friends once. Before we were lovers, we'd been friends and comrades. She liked my sense of humour, and I liked her... everything, really. I liked how confident she was, and how she seemed so sure of herself. She was almost arrogant, but in a good way, if that makes sense.

And, yeah, I also found her incredibly attractive from the moment I saw her. I didn't do anything about that, didn't make any kind of moves that way. To my surprise and joy, she eventually made it clear that she was maybe a little bit interested in me apart from being a friend and comrade. If she hadn't, I never would have tried for her because I believed she was way out of my league, but she made the first move, and I was happy to reciprocate. I couldn't believe how happy I was, even in the middle of a Blight. For me, she was the one good thing to come out of all of that.

Now, of course, she would never hug me like that or kiss me or anything else, because we weren't even friends any more. She was my commanding officer, and she definitely didn't seem that happy to have me here.

I scuffed the toe of my boot in the dirt, my head down, but managed to wave to Teagan as he and his men mounted up and headed out of the courtyard. Rowan waved, too. Then she completely ignored me and turned to go back inside, Nathaniel Howe at her side.

He glanced at me, though. Our eyes met. He put his arm around her waist. She leaned into him a little bit and put her own arm around him. He quirked one eyebrow at me, almost like he was challenging me.

 _Mine_. That's what he was saying. I was mildly surprised he didn't growl at me while his hair stood on end and his ears went back.

I stood there in the courtyard looking stupid for a few more minutes and then decided to take Teagan's earlier advice and go out to the training yard. I wasn't expecting to find Oghren there, running both soldiers and Grey Wardens through drills, but there he was.

The dwarf grunted when he saw me and narrowed his eyes.

“Well, well, if it isn't the runaway Chantry boy,” he said. “Surprised you had the stones to show up here.”

Yeah, I'd heard it all before. And worse. I raised my chin to acknowledge Oghren's half-arsed greeting and looked around for the equipment shed so I could grab a blunted practice sword. I didn't know what was up with the drills so I didn't bother trying to participate. Instead, I decided to just take out my frustration on an unused training dummy. There was a kind of rhythm involved in that. Do it long enough and it could put you in a kind of trance while you got a good workout. That's what I was aiming for, but I couldn't get into it.

Instead, I kept hearing Oghren barking orders as people sparred with each other. Things like telling them to keep their elbows in or to be aware of their feet positioning and where to focus and so on. He was actually pretty good at it. I was surprised, to say the least. He even seemed sober.

Then I saw Rowan and Lord Broodybreeches, dressed for the field. They stepped into the equipment shed and came out with weighted, blunted daggers. Everything I'd heard about Nathaniel Howe indicated that he was primarily an archer, but it looked like he was going to work with Rowan at hand combat.

I didn't mean to, but I got caught up watching them. She was still lithe and limber and light on her feet. A little more rounded and filled out in some places from when I'd last seen her, but she wasn't walking miles every day now, so that was to be expected. She was still fit and strong and, Maker, the way she moved. That had always entranced me. It still did.

She was concentrating as she and Howe circled each other, making the occasional attempt to stab each other, though not really because the daggers were blunt and that wasn't the point of sparring. I could see the smile playing around the corners of her mouth. She was having fun.

I couldn't tell if he was. His dark brows were drawn together and his eyes were narrowed, and I couldn't see any sort of smile anywhere. He was quick, though, and light on his feet. I had to give him that. And I guess I could see why women might think he was attractive, except for his humourless scowl, which I thought was just off-putting.

They played a bit, scoring the occasional minor hit on each other, but then they settled into it got more serious. I'd sparred with Rowan Cousland, and she was no easy pickings, let me tell you. She bested me more often than not, to be perfectly honest. She was cunning, graceful, and strong. She was also extremely competitive. From the looks of it, so was he.

They were very well-matched. I could see that. And I didn't know why that bothered me so much, but it did. It really did.

I watched as Rowan miscalculated a move and it threw her balance off. It wouldn't have been enough for most opponents to be able to use to their advantage, but Howe was on it in a flash, and before I knew what had happened, he had knocked her legs out from her her and he had her on the ground on her back, one of her arms pinned beneath her body, the other held down by his own hand as he straddled her hips, with a dagger at the side of her neck in his other hand.

He leaned forward a little and said something to her. The move, his position, the looks on their faces, were all... intimate. I was almost embarrassed to see it, and I wondered if they'd forgotten they were out in the open and not in private. Rowan answered him and he leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth, which she reciprocated.

When they broke the kiss, he was quickly on his feet, holding out his hand to her, and when she was up, he pulled her close as she leaned against him and they kissed each other again. When they stepped apart, he grinned at her. An actual, full-on grin, teeth and everything, and I had to admit even if it was grudgingly, that he maybe could be good looking when and if he wasn't scowling like he was looking for someone whose giblets needed cutting out.

She grinned back at him and included a wink, and my heart contracted. I knew that look. I knew that playful, flirty wink.

They got into position to go for another round and I picked up my practice sword again and started in on the training dummy once more. I was feeling pretty annoyed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see Rowan and Howe dancing around each other, but I tried hard to concentrate on my own practice. I kept swinging the sword. If I could just get into the right focus of mind...

Then I saw that she'd bested him, standing behind him with her arm around his waist and the dagger aimed at his belly. If it had been a real fight, she would have gutted him like a fish before he could turn around or retaliate. He held up his hands, dagger in each, and gave a short laugh and then turned around and kissed her again.

Maker, were they going to kiss each other after every round? How did the people of Vigil's Keep stand it? I glanced around and nobody was even paying attention to them. I guessed everyone must be used to it, just like they were used to the idea that they should always knock if Rowan and Lord Broodybreeches were in a room with a closed door or risk getting an eyeful of something they'd wish they hadn't.

I hacked at the training dummy until my arms started to ache.

When they finally left the field, several matches, too many kisses, and a couple of arse grabs later, they were hand in hand, and they were both laughing. I wondered momentarily if they were putting on a show for me, but since nobody else was paying them any attention at all and I hadn't noticed either one of them even glance my way, I had to assume their behaviour was unremarkable. Commonplace, even.

I was really irritated, but I was also feeling kind of defeated. I swung my sword a few more times and then stopped. I hoped it would just look like I was tired and not like I was feeling miserable, because I didn't want to show it.

So, fine, they were well-matched, he really did laugh, she laughed with him, he was roguishly handsome when he smiled, they were openly, maybe overly affectionate with each other, and he was like a mabari hound guarding his territory, that territory being Rowan Cousland, the woman I still loved.

_Yeah. Perfect._

My plan for redeeming myself through service to the Grey Wardens was not working out the way I'd hoped. I mean, Teagan had tried to warn me, but of course I hadn't listened. This was worse than I had anticipated. Maybe that's why Teagan hadn't told me the full story, but then, I probably wouldn't have believed him if I hadn't seen it for myself.

I put away my practice sword and Oghren growled at me to come over, so I did.

“Boss wants me to assess your fighting skills,” he informed me in his deep, rumbly voice.

“Why you?”

“I'm the drill sergeant,” he answered, and the way he said it made it sound inappropriate and dirty. He had a real knack for that. I just stared at him uncomfortably. He chuckled at my discomfort. “Show up here tomorrow, after breakfast. Mid-morning. I'll run you through some drills, and then I'll take you on, personally.”

I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that. I figured he'd try to pound me to a pulp, the way some of Teagan's men had, and despite all his drinking, the dwarf was a force to be reckoned with. Then again, trying to avoid being pummelled by a pissed off Grey Warden dwarf might do me some good. Or gain me some respect. Or something. At least there were healers available.

I nodded and started to go.

“One more thing,” he said. His voice was low. He narrowed his eyes at me. I'd seen that look before. It didn't bode well for anyone or anything he looked at like that. “You deserted her. You didn't see what happened to her after you left, but she was a wreck. And she still did her duty and did it well. The woman saved us all, no thanks to you. Aye, there were people who took care of her, pulled her back from the brink, but she never would have gone there if not for what you did. Now, I don't know why she let you come back here or why she's willing to have a deserter in her ranks, but here you are. I'm just telling you, Chantry boy, if you hurt her again, I will kill you, if Nathaniel Howe doesn't kill you first.”

He was completely serious. I could see it. Oghren grunted and made that gesture again, the fingers pointing to his eyes and then to me, the _I'm watching you_ thing. I nodded. He motioned with his hand for me to leave, so I did. Quickly.

It was time for lunch. At least Vigil's Keep had something good about it.

 

 


	9. Wisdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair receives good advice and gets pummelled by Oghren.

There was one other good thing about Vigil's Keep, and that was Mel. She was there at lunch time in the dining hall that day, and she sat with me, chatting away about all kinds of things. I ventured to ask if Rowan or Nathaniel never ate in the dining hall, but Melina told me they did, just not every day, and never at breakfast. I already knew they ate that together in their suite.

That still bothered me. The thought of Rowan just out of bed, maybe in a dressing gown, sitting at the breakfast table with Lord Broodybreeches, the two of them discussing their plans for the day and maybe command stuff as well as personal things...

Melina must have sensed that I was drifting off a bit because she changed the subject and asked me if I'd met Reve, the Grey Warden officer who was third in command. I told her I hadn't but was scheduled to meet with him after lunch in the Commander's office. I said I didn't know if Rowan or Howe would be present, but Melina told me that they'd be doing some archery instruction in the afternoon.

That made me think of the training yard.

“Are the Commander and her second-in-command always so... uh...”

“So...?” she prompted.

“It's just, I was in the training yard and they were there, sparring. Only they weren't just sparring. They were... kissing. Kind of a lot. And they hold hands all the time, and I've seen him touch her... uhm...” I stopped, because I couldn't think of a polite way to say he puts his hand on her arse all the time. And there was that one time I saw her grab his.

“They are very physically affectionate,” Melina said. “And they don't care who knows it or who sees it. It's a bit of a joke around the Keep that they can't keep their hands off each other. Does it bother you? I know you and the Commander were... close.”

“Where did you hear that?” I asked.

She shrugged. “It's very much common knowledge. And I hear things. A lot of people talk to me,” she added. “I told you, I'm a good listener.”

I considered talking about Rowan and my feelings about the situation, but I didn't even know what my feelings were, honestly, because they were all over the place. So I changed the subject and asked her what Reve was like.

“Reasonable,” she answered. “And competent. Quick thinker. He's also quite perceptive. I believe his parents were Rivaini, but he was in Denerim and lived through the final battle of the Blight. That's what led to him eventually volunteering to become a Grey Warden. He's always been pretty close-mouthed about what he did before, but whatever it was, he's a Grey Warden now, and he left that old life behind him.”

I'd never heard of anyone volunteering to become a Grey Warden, but it seemed there were plenty among those at the Keep who had done just that. I guess having a Blight on your doorstep changed people's perspectives or something. And I could understand why mages would step up to become Grey Wardens. For a lot of mages, serving the Wardens was going to be a way better option than being locked up in a Circle somewhere or living as an apostate and having to constantly fear the templars coming after you.

I learned that there were somewhat over a dozen Grey Wardens active in Ferelden under Rowan's command. I was impressed with that. Duncan had maybe twice that number under his command, and he'd had twenty years to recruit and organise. Rowan was making good on her plan to rebuild the Ferelden Grey Wardens. Duncan would be proud of her.

He wouldn't be proud of me. Thinking about how I let him down made me want to drink myself into a stupor, but I never wanted to experience quitting alcohol again, and I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn't stop, so I just kept with my unfermented drinks and tried not to think about how badly I'd let Duncan down.

Again, Melina seemed to be able to sense that my mood had dropped and my thoughts had gone to a bad place, because she put her hand on my arm and gave a gentle squeeze. She really did have a healer's touch. I felt better, and I don't think she even used any magic.

So after lunch, when I went to the Commander's office, and I found the tertiary officer, Warden-Constable, I guess the title was, sitting at the smaller desk, the one opposite Rowan's big, impressive one. He reminded me a little of Duncan. Dark eyes, dark complexion, dark hair. Unlike Duncan, Reve was clean shaven, but even this early in the day, a dark shadow was visible on his upper lip and chin.

He had me shut the door so we could speak in private, but he made sure to tell me that the Commander insisted that the staff and officers of Vigil's Keep maintain an open door policy. If the door was open, you were free to come in and have a talk about whatever was on your mind. If the door was shut, though, you should always knock and wait for a reply.

My face burned hot. Yes, so he'd heard about me walking in on Rowan and Howe when they were... Yeah, I figured it was only a matter of time before word got around. None of the Wardens had mentioned it to me, but so far only Melina and Oghren had spoken to me directly about anything at all. I figured people were talking about it to each other, though. They had recreation rooms and hunting parties and other activities that they did together. They probably visited in each others' quarters, as Melina had in my room. And the Wardens seemed to intermingle with the soldiers quite freely, so, yeah, of course it got around. For all I knew, Rowan asked her tertiary officer to have a word with me about it.

“So,” Reve began, “I understand you've met Melina, and that you already knew Oghren. Have you met any of the other Wardens?”

“Not really. I've seen them in the dining hall or training yard, that's all. Nobody wants to talk to me.”

“Nobody really knows what to make of you, I expect. Listen, I'm going to be blunt with you, if that's all right?”

I nodded. Blunt could be painful, but it was better than dancing around things and being all diplomatic, which was Teagan's style. Not that I held that against Teagan, but, yeah, it could be frustrating. And as much as I had loved and admired Duncan, his secretiveness and reluctance to talk about certain things had ended up biting me in the arse. Straight-forward seemed the way to go.

“Everyone here at Vigil's Keep admires and respects the Warden-Commander,” Reve said evenly. “You abandoned her and the Grey Wardens during a Blight. There is a great deal of resentment about that. I am not saying this to be cruel, but because you need to understand this.”

“Yeah,” I kind of grunted. “I get that.”

Because what else was I going to say?

“I know the Commander has already breached this subject, but tell me, now that you've had time for reflection,” Reve said, “if you had known the whole truth about why Grey Wardens are the only ones who can stop a Blight, would you still have deserted the way you did?”

“I've been thinking about that. A lot,” I admitted. “No, I wouldn't have refused to serve. Not if I'd known.”

Oh, I still wouldn't have been happy about it, and I still would have been angry, but after much soul searching since I found out the truth, I felt like if I'd known, I would have been able to put that aside enough to stay, especially if I'd thought we could just throw Loghain at the archdemon. Petty of me, yeah. But the man was a traitor. He deserved to die. I would never, ever change my mind on that.

“Well, Alistair, there are no archdemons around to throw yourself at now. Given how empty the Deep Roads are, another Blight seems unlikely any time soon, and we haven't seen any broodmothers in years, so you'll have to find other ways to redeem yourself, I suppose. There must be something.”

I nodded mutely. At least he didn't seem angry. More like he was curious about me, as if he was trying to figure me out. He studied me carefully, his fingertips pressed together to form a steeple with his hands.

“So, tell me, Alistair, how are you at peeling potatoes?”

I did a double take. He chuckled. Seems he had a sense of humour.

“I'm quite good at it,” I answered. “When I was with the Chantry, I got into trouble a lot, so I spent a lot of time in the kitchens as punishment.”

“Why did you get in trouble?”

“Boredom, mostly. I was a smartarse. I wasn't much of a templar, really, which is why I never took my final vows. I was so grateful when Duncan recruited me to the Grey Wardens...” I paused and glanced up at the tapestry of the Hero of Ferelden fighting the archdemon in all its unrealistic but beautiful glory. “Turns out I wasn't much of a Grey Warden, either.”

“You did help to defeat the Blight, even if you weren't there for final battle. You should have been, but I think you know that. We've all made decisions we wish we could go back and unmake.”

“Mel said kind of the same thing.”

“Melina's wise, and you would be wise to consider her counsel. She likes most people, but if she's taken a special interest in you, it probably means she believes she can help you. Heal you.”

I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just nodded.

But then I wanted to know, “So... you're not really going to put me on kitchen duty, are you?”

“Not at the moment, though it remains an option,” he answered lightly. “The Commander hasn't given me much in the way of direction where you're concerned. She wanted me to talk to you, though, to get a feel for you. She's not exactly unbiased when it comes to you. Nor is the Lieutenant.”

“Why am I here?” I blurted. “Why did she... they accept me back?”

“Because the queen considers the Grey Wardens to be a worthy authority.”

“No, that's not what I mean. Why did Rowan agree to this? She has sway with the queen. She can be very persuasive, and she's a national hero. She could have gotten out of taking me back.”

“Yes, I imagine she could have,” Reve agreed, “but she has her reasons. To be completely honest with you, I don't know what all of those reasons are. I also don't know why Nathaniel didn't oppose your reinstatement. Perhaps one day, if you can get back in the Commander's good graces, she'll tell you. Who can say? Commander Cousland is sometimes inscrutable, at least to me. She doesn't always explain her command decisions.”

He looked at me pointedly. I looked away.

My emotions were bounding all over the place again. Anger to resentment to sorrow to resignation to irritation to self-righteous indignation to shame to guilt to love and back to anger, and a few more in there for good measure. I'd been like this when I first got off the drink, but then as I settled down into a routine in Rainesfere, it got better.

Then I came to Vigil's Keep and it all started up again. This time, though, I wasn't so sure there would be any kind of settling. Not when I was constantly reminded of Duncan and of what I did. Not when I kept seeing Rowan with her lover and the way everyone knew and accepted them as a couple. Not when I was still so raw and had so many unresolved, unanswered emotions and so many loose ends and so many unhealed emotional wounds.

I looked at Reve. He was watching me thoughtfully, calmly.

“Is it ever going to get better?” I asked, even though I knew he couldn't really answer me.

“Only if you want that,” was his answer.

I had no idea what he meant, but the next thing I knew, he was dismissing me after letting me know he would report back to Rowan and there would be a decision about my placement soon.

I hid out in my room until dinner time, thinking about stuff. I started to go down for dinner, but when I saw Rowan and her lover heading into the dining hall, I doubled back and waited a while, and shuffled in later. The pickings were slim, but it was still enough, and there was always plenty of bread, cheese, honey, pickled vegetables, and preserved fruit to make a decent meal, anyway, so that's pretty much what I did.

Breakfast was always better for me. I usually got to have a chat with Mel, and I knew Rowan and Nathaniel wouldn't be there. The other Wardens were still wary of me, though a couple of them had started to kind of vaguely acknowledge my presence with slight head nods or something.

In particular, there was a cute dwarf with a heavily tattooed face. Sigrun, I was told, a member of the Legion of the Dead. I knew about them from having gone way into the Deep Roads during the Blight. She was also Nathaniel's assistant with the rebuilding project, and she went with the survey teams that were mapping the tunnels below, looking at places that needed to be reinforced or sealed off or whatever.

I nodded a greeting to her, but I didn't try to talk to her. I didn't try to talk to anyone. I just figured if they wanted to approach me, I'd respond, and I'd leave it at that. It was how I'd dealt with Teagan's men, and that had been kind of okay, eventually.

When I met with Oghren after breakfast, he did try hard to pummel me and he did a pretty good job of it. Well, first he put me through some drills, looked at my posture and the way I held my weapon and shield, commented a little bit here and there about my form. Then he said he wanted to spar with me to test me out, and that's when he pummelled me. We fought for a long time, and it tested the limits of my Grey Warden stamina and his from what I could tell.

Eventually, Oghren grunted and held up his hand to stop and said he figured Teagan's men must have done a good job because I was as fit as any Grey Warden warrior at the Keep. I will admit, that pleased me. I'd worked hard to get to this point, and Oghren's assessment had been very thorough. He also managed to give me quite a few bruises and a few lumps that I would have liked to avoid.

“Stop by the infirmary,” Oghren said before he dismissed me. It still rankled a little bit that Oghren actually outranked me, but there it was. “I think you may have a fracture or two. Worth seeing to it.”

I just nodded and put my equipment away before I hauled myself back to the Keep.

 

 


	10. A Fool's Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair and Rowan have a talk and Alistair acts impulsively.

Melina was quick to give me a once-over in the infirmary. I did have a couple of fractures. Nothing major, just a finger and a couple of ribs and one of my collar bones. A potion and Mel's magical touch fixed me right up. It was midday by the time we finished and I asked her if she was coming to the dining hall, but she said she had a few more things to catch up on and they couldn't wait, so I went by myself.

To my surprise, Rowan was there in the dining hall, but Lord Broodybreeches was nowhere to be seen. He must have duties elsewhere, or he'd be with Rowan. Maybe he was doing something with the rebuilding team, because I didn't see Sigrun, either.

I got my food and deliberately sat down where I was directly in Rowan's line of sight. I knew I was being kind of an ass, but I just, I don't know, wanted to be near her, to look at her. She ignored me the moment she caught on to what I was doing, of course, and then the minute she finished eating she got up and left.

For reasons I still can't fully explain, I left my own food and followed her, though I tried to be discreet about it. It turned out she'd gone up to the battlements of the Keep. It was a crisp, pleasant autumn day, and when I got up there, she was leaning up against the crenellated wall, kind of half sitting, gazing out across the countryside. I could see why she'd come here. Good views, no guards, quiet.

She heard my footsteps, I guess, and she stood up and spun around. Her eyes got wide when she saw it was me. Then those same eyes narrowed and that prominent Cousland chin firmed right up and she folded her arms across her chest.

“What do you want?” she demanded.

“I want to talk to you, if that's all right?”

“About what?”

“About us.”

“There is no _us_ , Alistair.”

_Okay, but ouch_. “There are a lot of things that need to be said but have been left unsaid, and they should be. Said, I mean.”

Rowan turned back to the view. “Speak, then, if it will get it out of your system.”

“I want to tell you again that I really do know how stupid I was. I should have trusted you, and I should have known better. Oghren got me alone and told me some things about what happened after I left, about how you were. I... know I hurt you. I hurt myself, too.”

“So it would seem.”

“I just hated Loghain so much. I kept thinking about Duncan and how he died because of Loghain...”

“You know what?” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she turned around to look at me again. “I had my own reasons to hate Loghain. You haven't got anything on me when it comes to that. But let's face facts, here. Duncan probably would have died in that battle with or without Loghain's intervention, and it was by Cailan's order that all of the Grey Wardens were on the battlefield instead of taking up more strategic positions. The battle was a cock up on all sides, and for a lot of reasons. I can tell you that if Loghain had known _why_ Grey Wardens were necessary, he would have made different decisions, I'm sure of that. But beyond all of that, the battle at Ostagar was part of a Blight, and a war. People die in Blights, Alistair. And they die in wars.”

“I... yes. Duncan even told me that any one of us could die in battle at any time. I just... I... kind of lost my sense for a little while.”

“I knew you wouldn't like my decision, but I didn't expect you to... I loved you, Alistair, and I did care about your opinions, but ending the Blight was more important than me, than us, than any of our petty concerns. I thought you felt the same way. You said you loved me, but...”

“I... I know. I know.” I sighed and hung my head. “Believe me, I knew as soon as I calmed down that I'd made a really bad, really stupid mistake, but I didn't know how to...”

“Everyone told me you'd be back,” she said, folding her arms over her chest again. “They all said that you wouldn't abandon the Grey Wardens, wouldn't abandon me. I held out some hope that you might... But you didn't.”

“Rowan, I was banished. I couldn't come back.”

“You could have. Teagan, Eamon, and I could have fixed things with Anora, and you could have come back so long as you agreed to give up all claim to the throne and serve the Grey Wardens. She just couldn't have you walking around trying to be king.”

“I didn't know that. Not then.”

“Yes,” she said with a sigh. “I suppose that's true. Doesn't matter now, anyway. What's done is done.”

“So... what happened at the final battle?” I asked very quietly. “I mean, you told me some but...”

“Oh, I fought my way through hordes of darkspawn, saw Riordan fall to his death, and when it came to the end, Loghain managed to persuade me to let him take the final blow and make that ultimate sacrifice. I still sometimes regret that, but you know me! Always giving people a chance at redemption and all that... Bah.”

Wow. She'd mentioned before that she had planned to take that final blow. She had intended to die... and she regretted it? Just how close to the brink had she been? That chilled me. I didn't think that was a good topic to pursue, so I pressed on with the question that had burned in my mind and heart for years.

“Do you ever... regret... that decision you made at the Landsmeet?”

“What, recruiting Loghain? I used to curse that day and my own stubborn insistence on listening to sound tactical advice,” she practically snarled. I winced. “I'm at peace with it now. After all, if I hadn't spared Loghain's life that day, I might never have known just how conditional your promises were and how untrustworthy you could be. I would have gone on expecting you to be there for me, and Maker knows what else might have happened to make you desert me at some crucial moment.”

I went silent and looked off at the distant horizon. That was a low blow. Really, really low blow.

“That's not fair,” I said finally.

“Nothing about any of this is fair. It's not fair that my family were murdered. It's not fair that your father wouldn't acknowledge you. It's not fair that Arl Eamon let his wife's petty jealousy cause you to suffer. It's not fair that you shirked your duty the way you did.”

“You had Loghain,” I pointed out. I regretted it the moment I said it, but sometimes I say stupid things, and that was one of them.

“Andraste's flaming tits, Alistair, you really _are_ a fool!” she snapped. She took a step toward me, her hands curled into fists, eyes blazing. I took a step back and she continued. “I wasn't in love with Loghain! I could only barely tolerate his presence, and it was just that much worse that you weren't with me! He wasn't... You promised...” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and unfurled her fingers, flexing them slightly before she continued in a more moderated voice. “You said you had dreams, hopes, well, so did I, and they all involved you. I thought that you and I were meant to be, that it was... Fate...”

That felt like a punch to the gut. I felt the same way. She took a deep breath and seemed to struggle with herself. I thought she was maybe overwhelmed with emotion, the way I sometimes got, but this was the Hero of Ferelden, and she was always so in control, I had to assume there was something else going on. Maybe she was just angry.

“It doesn't matter now,” she said. “It's done, and there's no going back. You left me, and apparently, you spent most of your time drinking and whoring. So that's how much you thought of me.”

“I was doing those things because I couldn't _stop_ thinking of you,” I argued. “I could hardly stand to live with myself. I kept telling myself that you betrayed me, that you were heartless, that you never loved me, but deep down, I always knew what I'd done. The drinking was just to dull the pain. And there weren't that many women, but they were... never you.”

I was frustrated and hurt and a little confused, but now I was getting angry. I ran my fingers through my hair, even though I hated messing it up. How dare she accuse me of some kind of sexual excess?

“But what did _you_ do after I left?” I demanded. I knew it was stupid of me to say that, and I knew it really wasn't even fair because we were broken up, but I was angry and I wanted, maybe needed, to know.

“Oh, other than weep uncontrollably for days and get so drunk Sten had to carry me to bed? Hmm, well, after I realised you really weren't coming back and had truly abandoned me and your duty to the Grey Wardens, to Ferelden, and to the world, I pulled myself together, tied up loose ends, and then went to rally the troops because _someone_ had take the Blight seriously.”

That wasn't what I'd meant and she knew it. Another low blow. I inhaled sharply and my nostrils probably flared because that happens when I'm pissed off.

“I've heard rumours,” I said, unable to make myself stop talking. “Were you and Teagan lovers?”

“What did he say when you asked him?”

“He said it was no concern of mine who he did or didn't take to his bed.”

She smiled. “Yes, that sounds like him.”

“It's true then,” I said. I mean, I was already pretty much convinced it was true, but her answer and the way she smiled just confirmed it in a way nothing else had. And that made me want to know a specific detail I'd heard in the barracks at Rainesfere. “At Redcliffe Castle. The night before the forced march.”

“It's really none of your business.”

“And in Denerim. You were keeping company with him at the palace. That's what I heard from Teagan's men.”

Rowan sighed. “You really don't want to know this.”

“I really do.”

“Teagan and I are friends,” she said calmly. “For a time we were what you might call very intimate friends. When I came to Amaranthine to take up the role of Warden-Commander, we parted ways, though we remain friends, even now.”

“But he's my uncle!”

“He is not. He's not related to you at all.”

I wanted to argue with her, but it was true. I moved on to the topic that screwed my head around the most.

“What about Nathaniel Howe?”

“Oh, Maker's dangling testicles,” she swore, shaking her head. “Why do you think you have a right to ask me these things? Surely you can find out plenty by way of gossip at the Keep. And by the way, you really do need to learn to knock before you enter a room. I maintain an open door policy, but it doesn't mean you can open any door as you please.”

Okay, that pissed me off even more.

“Isn't it unprofessional to be doing... _that_ in your office?” I asked with the best tone of disgusted indignation I could manage.

“As I told you at the time, what I discuss with my lieutenant is nobody else's concern, and that's why the door was closed. But you know as well as I do that the Grey Wardens don't have rules about... what was it you called it? Caboodling? In fact, the Second Blight was ended by Grey Wardens who were lovers. She died protecting him so that he could then kill the archdemon. They couldn't have done it alone. I can lend you the book if you want to read up on it.”

Yeah, I already knew this because I'd read the book and it had annoyed me. I didn't tell her that, of course, but it irritated me that she'd reminded me of it.

“Who else have you been with?” I demanded.

“What, ever?” she tossed back at me, her voice incredulous. “How is _that_ your business?”

“Just tell me,” I insisted. I don't know why I did that. She was right that it wasn't any of my business, but I was just really, really angry. Well, really, I was hurt, very deeply hurt, but it was easier to be angry, so I went with that. The hurt and regret and shame would come later. In the old days, I would have started drinking when the pain got intolerable, but I knew that wasn't an option any more and that annoyed me, too, and it scared me a little but I couldn't stop.

“I suppose you want me to tell you I was with Zevran? Or Leliana? Or Oghren, perhaps. Sorry to disappoint you. There was only my first love, a knight who sacrificed his life to save me the night of the Highever Massacre.”

That revelation hit me like a sack of bricks.

“You... never told me about that,” I said. Whispered, maybe. I'd been all righteously indignant and everything and suddenly I felt like the wind had been taken right out of my sails.

“Why should I have? You were too wrapped up in your own misery to spend much time considering mine. You just put me in charge of saving the world and then complained if I did something you didn't like, and Void take me if I'd lost my entire family and everyone else I'd ever loved and was struggling to come to terms with that. Add to that the fact that you were absurdly jealous. Why would I try to tell you about the loss of my first love?”

“I... thought I was...”

My mind was reeling. So was my heart.

“You knew I wasn't a virgin.”

“Yes, but I thought...”

“That you were my one true love? No. You could have been my last love, but we both know how that worked out.”

Maker's breath. This was... so much more painful than I would have imagined. Why did I do this? I had no idea. Demon of stupidity again, maybe. She looked distraught, like she was having some kind of inner turmoil, and she probably was, though I wouldn't figure that out for a long time after. I was quiet for a long time. So was she.

Finally I pushed on with a different topic. One that was probably going to upset me even more, but I had to bring it up. I just had to.

“I heard that Howe was in the dungeon here for trying to kill you, but you made him a Grey Warden and then your second-in-command and your lover,” I said, having pieced together a few things by this time. “How much of that is true?”

She sighed, somewhat tiredly. “This again. All right. He was in the dungeon for sneaking around the Keep. He never tried to kill me, has never raised a hand or a weapon to me with intent to harm me. He joined the Grey Wardens of his own free will. I promoted him after an assassination attempt on my life because he was the most qualified and because nobody else wanted the job. We did not become lovers until some time after the the darkspawn uprising was dealt with. Essentially it's just the story of two people who have a great deal in common, who fought together, and who eventually got over their differences and fell in love. I know, the story is far less interesting this way, but there it is.”

That bothered me. It all bothered me. Especially one thing, which of course I had to ask.

“How you can share a bed with the son of the man who murdered your family?”

She rolled her eyes and then answered, “You say that as if people have any control over what their fathers do. Nathaniel lost everything, just as I did, purely because of his father's actions.”

I hadn't considered that. At all. It made me uncomfortable to think about it, given the difficulties I'd had due to my own father's actions and decisions. And my foster father's, for that matter. I ran my hands through my hair again and started to pace.

“Teagan told me before I came here that I didn't have a hope with you,” I admitted. “I should have listened, but I couldn't help hoping. The thought of seeing you again, of being with you was... Rowan, I really missed you.”

I stood still and looked at her and felt like I was going to start crying. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd wept for missing her. She looked back at me and our eyes met and for the first time since I'd seen her again, I felt something of that old connection. We were both quiet, looking at each other.

“I missed you, too,” she admitted eventually, “no matter how much I might want to deny it. But that doesn't mean...”

And then my demon of stupidity really took over and I closed the distance between us. She stayed put, staring at me like she wasn't sure how to react. I pulled her into my arms. She didn't resist like I thought she might. I turned my head and pressed my mouth to hers and she closed her eyes and, to my absolute shock, she returned the kiss. When I touched her lip with the tip of my tongue, she opened her mouth to me and she brought her arms up around me. I was lost in a sea of conflicting, confusing, confounding emotions of all kinds, and I could hear my own heart pounding. There were other things, too. My head was spinning and my ears were buzzing, and all the hair on my body was standing on end, which usually only happened in the presence of darkspawn.

She broke the kiss and pulled away.

“That was...” she said. And then, more sternly, “I should not have allowed that.”

And then my blood went cold as the unmistakable voice of Nathaniel Howe rang out across the stone battlement, “No. You really shouldn't have.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene from Rowan's POV: [To Kiss a Fool](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/27966999)


	11. Healer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair has a heart-to-heart with Melina.

It felt like all the blood drained right out of my body at the sound of Nathaniel Howe's voice, and I pretty much leapt away from Rowan. It felt like all my hair was still standing on end as I waited to see what was going to happen. Fight or flee, basically. I was poised to do either.

“Go find something useful to do,” Nathaniel growled at me. “I will want to speak with you privately at some point, but for now, _leave._ ”

I looked at Rowan and then back at Nathaniel. I was a little afraid to leave her alone with him, to be honest. Nathaniel's lip curled into a snarl and he took a step toward me, eyes narrowed.

“Alistair, go,” Rowan said. “I'll be fine,” She looked a little flustered but not afraid, so I nodded and made my exit as quickly as possible.

I somehow ended up in my room, pacing, worrying, messing up my hair some more by running my fingers through it, and my emotions were absolutely everywhere all at once. The knock on the door made me jump. I marched over to it, expecting a fight with a pissed off Nathaniel Howe or maybe Rowan, or even both of them or...

Melina looked startled when I swung the door open, her blue eyes wide. “Alistair? Are you all right? I think you should let me in.”

I stood there staring stupidly at the mage in the hallway outside my door. She repeated her request to come inside. I stood aside and let her pass and then shut the door.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“You rushed past me in the corridor, looking very disturbed. Didn't you see me?” I shook my head. “And then I saw Rowan and Nathaniel heading toward their suite in the middle of the afternoon, which is unusual enough, but Nathaniel's face looked like a thundercloud and he was stalking down the corridor. It's not hard to tell that something happened. Talk to me.”

I collapsed onto the bed and put my elbows on my knees so I could cradle my head in my hands.

“I'm such a fool,” I said. I felt wretched, and I sounded that way, too.

She sat on the stool in front of me.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice soft and sympathetic.

“I followed Rowan up to the battlements to talk. She didn't want to, but I insisted. She was... brutally honest. Emphasis on the brutality.”

“Yes, she does know how to wield the truth as a weapon. May I ask what you talked about?”

“I wanted to talk about... us. She said there was nothing to talk about. But there's so much unfinished business, I just had to... I don't even know what was driving me. I was just... compelled.”

“I see. And what did you talk about, specifically?”

I groaned. Then I took a deep breath and told her about my conversation with Rowan. How shocked I'd been to learn about her first love, for one thing. How she'd lost him along with her family in the massacre. That he died trying to save her. I also said out loud that I wondered if I'd been some kind of rebound, since she lost her love so violently and so soon before she met me.

“They weren't really together by the time of the Massacre,” Melina told me. “Their romance had ended some years before, but Rowan still had a place for him in her heart. She rarely speaks of him, just as she rarely speaks of her parents.”

I still felt like Rowan should have told me about him, but I also kind of knew why she didn't. I got that I really been there for her with the whole _lost everyone you ever loved_ thing, even if I did honestly care. I had been too wrapped up my my own pain, too wrapped up in myself, to offer her much in the way of support.

Melina reached out and put a hand on my knee. My head was hanging. I felt like crying for the second time today, and I guess she sensed it.

“What else did you talk about?” she asked.

I told her that Rowan had confirmed that she'd been intimate with Teagan and how that felt like a betrayal, even though I knew it wasn't really. Mel didn't say anything to that. I couldn't tell if she knew about Teagan and Rowan or not, but I guessed she probably did. Mel seemed to know a lot about a lot of things.

Then I talked about how puzzled I still was that Rowan could love the son of the man who murdered her family. I didn't exactly feel betrayed by that, but I was... confused. A little angry. It hadn't escaped my notice that Nathaniel Howe was about as different from me as anyone was likely to get. I found that kind of strangely insulting, to be honest.

Melina listened sympathetically to everything I said and for whatever reason, it made me feel a little better. At least until I had to tell her what I'd done.

“I kissed Rowan,” I said in a strangled kind of voice. Maker's breath. I really had. What had possessed me?

“And did she punch you?” Melina asked.

I actually chuckled at that. “No. I kind of wish she had, but no. She kissed me back. I don't have any idea why. The kiss was... I mean, it was nice and all, but... she wasn't really... Anyway, Rowan said after that she shouldn't have allowed it, and before I could ask her what she meant, Howe stepped out of nowhere and agreed that she shouldn't have.”

“Nathaniel saw you kissing Rowan? Well, that would explain his thundercloud expression,” Melina said. I looked up at her and thought there was a hint of a smile around the corners of her mouth, but I couldn't be sure. “So, did _he_ punch you? Stab you? You don't seem to be injured.”

“He just told me to go away and he'd talk to me later, but first he wanted to talk to Rowan. Honestly, I was a little afraid to leave her alone with him. He's... frightening.”

“I can see how you would feel that way. Keep in mind that Rowan is not afraid of him. He would never harm her. Despite the songs, he has never raised a hand against her. He even saved her life once.”

“Wait. What songs?” I was frowning now.

“You... don't know? The tavern tales and songs...?”

“I know the one about the Royal Bastard,” I said sourly. “Teagan's men used to like to sing it when I was around. And I've heard bits and pieces of songs about the Hero of Ferelden and how she saved us all by being brave and heroic and all that. But for fairly obvious reasons, I haven't been in very many tavern common rooms since I returned to Ferelden.”

“Ah. Well. I'm sorry I brought it up now,” she said with a slight frown. “You know the basics about how Nathaniel came to be a Grey Warden, of course. I was just referring to a popular tavern song with a number of variations.”

“What about it?”

“Oh, the usual heroically exaggerated telling that usually accompanies anything to do with the Hero of Ferelden. In this case, it's about the dashing rogue who came to kill her to avenge his father and ended up pledging his life to the Grey Wardens and to her.”

Dashing rogue. Right. So that was what Rowan had been referring to when she said the story wasn't as interesting the way she told it. And that he had never tried to kill her. And there were other things that suddenly made sense, too.

“Here's the thing,” I said eventually. “I still just can't understand how she could take up with the son of the man who murdered her family.”

“Did you ask Rowan?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “She said we can't control what our parents do.”

“And she is correct. In fact, we can't control what anyone else does. We can only control ourselves, what we do, and how we react.”

I grunted. There was not much I could say to that. I sat up and looked up at the ceiling. Finding no answers there, I turned my gaze to the pretty mage, instead.

She seemed to understand I was searching for answers. She looked at me, or rather, she looked a bit behind me, her eyes slightly unfocused. It was only a moment, but it unnerved me a little. It felt like there was some kind of magic at work, but I couldn't tell what it was. I hadn't used any of my templar abilities in years, probably couldn't any more, but I did still have a sense of magic being used around me, and that's kind of what what it felt like, but not really.

“Alistair,” she said, her blue eyes focusing on my face, “the way you and Rowan parted was brutal, for both of you. You both need resolution. That kiss, as ill-advised as it may have been, is part of the process. Frankly, that's the only reason I can see for Rowan kissing you back. You are still something of an open wound for her, one she needs to heal, because it still affects her in unfortunate ways.”

I frowned slightly. Melina sounded so... authoritative. Like she _knew_. It was actually slightly creepy, but then, my years of templar training had given me an apparently permanent suspicious streak when it came to apostate mages. I hated that I had that reaction, because Mel had been nothing but kind and helpful to me. She was to everyone, as far as I could tell.

“What... ways?” I eventually asked. I had suffered for what I did. I had tried to tell myself that Rowan had just cast me aside and moved on to a new lover and then another, but after my talk with her, I knew in my heart that wasn't true. I wasn't going to be able to maintain that fiction any more to help me avoid knowing I'd hurt her deeply.

“What did she tell you?” Melina asked.

I told Melina what Rowan had said about sobbing her eyes out and getting so drunk she needed to be carried to bed. And about how none of this was fair. And the other things Rowan had told me. I confessed that I could tell she was actually hurt and not just angry, though she was using her anger as a shield. Same way I did, really.

“You know, Nathaniel keeps proposing marriage to Rowan. He's been doing it regularly for years. Sometimes he does it jokingly, sometimes he's more serious. He's done it in front of others enough, I have to imagine he does it in private, as well. She always turns him down.”

Mel had mentioned that before, though not in a lot of detail, and I hadn't ever had the inclination or the opportunity to ask for details. Now though, I wanted to know why.

“She gives the excuse that she likes things the way they are and she doesn't need the Chantry to tell her who she can love,” Mel said, “but that's just a cover.”

“What do you mean?” I was frowning now.

“All right. Listen to me, Alistair, you can't repeat what I'm about to tell you, is that understood? This is not common knowledge or gossip but rather my own insight, based on things I've observed that other people have not been privy to. I already feel somewhat uncomfortable talking about this, but I feel strongly that you need to know. Do I have your word?”

“For whatever it's worth,” I answered. She frowned at me. Hard. “Yes,” I amended. “I promise that what we say in this room won't go any farther.”

“All right. Rowan has never quite let go of you, not fully. I believe she wanted to, that she tried to, but she just couldn't. Maybe because of the way you parted, I don't know. She has certainly moved on with her life, but you're like... a splinter, maybe. She wants to heal, but she can't. She's lost so many people she loved, you included. I think she's afraid that if she fully commits to Nathaniel, she'll lose him, too, just the way she lost her family, her first love, several friends, and you, so she holds back just a little, trying to protect herself from another broken heart.”

Wow. I hadn't considered anything like that. Of course I hadn't. I didn't like painful introspection very much, but since I came to Vigil's Keep, I didn't seem to be able to avoid it.

“Why me?” I whispered. “Why am I the... splinter? Why am I the one keeping her from healing?” I didn't like that idea at all.

“Well, her first love is dead. She could mourn him and then let him rest,” Melina said. “I was with her in Highever when she finally started to really work through that pain.”

“I'm glad,” I said. “I mean, I'm glad you were with her. For comfort. I'm not glad she was in pain.”

“Nathaniel was there, too,” Melina pointed out. “And her brother, Fergus. Nathaniel's son, Tristan, seems to be a comfort her, as well. I think he reminds her of her nephew.”

“She has a nephew?”

“Had. He died the night of the massacre. She found his body, lying with that of his mother. How do you not know these things?” Melina asked.

“She... was not very talkative. I didn't understand at the time what she was doing. I mean, I knew about her family, of course, but she didn't talk about it much and she didn't really show any kind of...”

Melina nodded. “Yes. She has an extraordinary ability to put her own needs aside in order to carry out her duty. She would never have been able to do what she did without that, but it has cost her dearly. She told you herself she was planning on dying to kill the archdemon. That wasn't the only time she was contemplating her own death. The burden she carries has been considerable.”

“This is all so... complicated,” I told her.

“The situation was and is complex,” she agreed. “You and Rowan both have a great deal to work through, individually, and possibly together. She still cares for you. And I know you still care for her.”

I grunted. Well, sort of growled. Kind of both. “She's in love with Nathaniel Howe.”

“Alistair,” Mel said quietly but firmly, “there are many ways to care about someone. It doesn't have to be romantic.”

Well, I knew that. Of course I knew that. Rowan and I really had been friends once. I'd had other friends, too. Wynne, the elder Circle mage who travelled with us during the Blight, was kind of like a grandmother figure to me. I cared for her. I think it was mutual. And Rowan's dog. I had liked him a great deal, and since he used to sleep in Rowan's tent with us, I spent a lot of personal time with him.

I still hadn't seen Ser Barkley around the Keep, but thinking about the mabari in Rowan's tent made me think about Nathaniel Howe.

“So... is Nathaniel Howe going to kill me?” I asked Melina, looking up at her. “I mean, I was way out of line. I knew it when I did it, but... Nathaniel was... Honestly, he reminded me of Rowan's mabari hound that time I got too close to his food and he nearly took my fingers off.”

Melina chuckled and smiled at me. I think I probably blushed.

“Nathaniel is very like a mabari, isn't he?” she said, and her blue eyes twinkled. “And like a mabari, he is bonded to Rowan, and she to him. He protects her, but he also listens to her. I doubt very much that she will allow him to kill you, Alistair, but I also doubt that he would want to kill you.”

“Maybe not. But he might want to punch me.”

“Oh, he probably does,” the mage said lightly. “Whether he will remains to be seen, but again, I doubt it. I think if he'd intended to punch you, he would have already done it.”

I groaned and put my elbows on my knees again, hands on my face, covering my eyes.

“I'm such a fool,” I moaned.

“You need to stop beating yourself up all the time, Alistair.”

“But if I stop beating myself up, someone else might decide I need a beating and give me one.”

I tried to chuckle, like it was a joke, but I knew what I was saying was true. More painful self-realisations I didn't really want. I kept people at bay by hating myself more than they could hate me, so they just thought I was pathetic and left me alone.

Melina sighed. She sounded sad, like she was sensing what I was feeling, which was miserable and self-loathing. She reached forward and put her hand on my knee and I felt the flow of some kind of healing magic. It felt... cool and bubbly. Not a way I would normally describe magic, let me tell you. But it was pleasant, and after a few seconds I started to feel refreshed, and the headache I hadn't realised I had was starting to fade.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Just a little healer's pick-me-up. I expect Nathaniel will be sending a page for you in an hour or so. You need to feel better before you talk to him. I'll stay with you until then, all right? We can talk about Vigil's Keep, about inconsequential things, about whatever you like, and we can get to know each other. All right?”

It was more than all right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's what was going in in Rowan and Nathaniel's suite while Alistair was talking to Melina: [Apologies and Plans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/28115436)


	12. Mabari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nathaniel and Alistair have a chat.

When I stepped cautiously into the office later that afternoon, Nathaniel Howe was sitting at the smaller desk, the one Reve had used. He looked up at me, his expression stern and unreadable. I figured he must be really good at Wicked Grace.

“Alistair. Thank you for coming to see me. Shut the door, please, and take a seat.”

I did. A million emotions were running through me. Apprehension, annoyance, shame, guilt, fear, and some others I couldn't easily name. He watched me with those steely grey eyes for a few moments while I tried and failed to relax. 

“The first thing I'm going to tell you,” he said, “is that this is personal, not professional, though my professional assessment may be affected depending on what you say and do.”

“Look, about today with --” I started to blurt, but he immediately scowled at me. Hard. And he quite literally growled, deep in his throat. I couldn't help but cringe. And I definitely shut up.

“No,” he said firmly, pointing a long finger at me for emphasis. “You keep quiet until I give you permission to talk. I work hard to maintain discipline and control my considerably bad temper, but I am known to lose it now and then. Do not push me. Neither one of us wants to find out what will happen if you do.”

I nodded, still keeping my mouth shut. Maker's breath, the man was intimidating.

“Now,” Nathaniel began as he leaned back in his chair instead of his previous position, which was sitting on the edge of his seat, lunging across the desk at me, “I know that you made the move to kiss Rowan. Not only did she point this out to me when I talked to her, I saw it with my own eyes. You swooped right in and got your hands and arms and lips on her, and I saw that she was startled at first. In my opinion, she should have knocked you on your arse and then stood on your throat for being so insolent and presumptuous, but she had her reasons for kissing you back. She intends to talk to you privately and you're free to discuss it with her, but I am telling you right now, man to man, that you need to let go of any and all romantic hopes you might still be harbouring where Rowan Cousland is concerned.”

Yeah. That's pretty much what Teagan told me. And Melina, though she'd been nice about it. I got it. We sat in silence for a few long moments, just looking at each other. I waited for him to talk some more, but he didn't. Eventually, I got up my courage and spoke.

“I... Uh, am I allowed to talk now?”

Nathaniel nodded once. He was still frowning, but at least he wasn't scowling any more.

“I... kind of knew, when she kissed me, I could tell she... It's not like it was before. She used to be... but look who I'm talking to. You know how she is. She wasn't like that with me. I mean, a long time ago she was, but she isn't now. Maker, this is... You're a very intimidating man, you know that? Yeah, you do. Anyway, I only tried my luck with her because we were alone and it was kind of emotional and she did say that she missed me. And I've heard that you keep proposing to her and she always turned you down and I thought maybe... But there's... I'm sorry.”

“Oh, don't be sorry,” Nathaniel said. He smirked at me in an arrogant, smug kind of way. The same way he did when he put his hand on Rowan's arse in front of me. “Whatever happened or didn't happen between you seems to have affected her deeply, and led to a most enjoyable and happy outcome.”

“I can probably guess.”

Nathaniel just smirked at that. “You know, I owe you my gratitude for a lot of things. I've thought this for years, actually. If you hadn't left Rowan after publicly humiliating her in front of the entire assembled bannorn, I wouldn't have had any chance with her. That scene you created at the Landsmeet was a topic of conversation for quite some time afterwards, by the way. Have you heard the tavern songs?”

“I've heard of several,” I answered. “Which one did you mean? Let me guess, the one about me and how I ran out on her because I was a coward?”

“That's the one,” Nathaniel answered evenly. “You and I both know you didn't really desert because you're a coward, though. You deserted because you were an immature fool.”

“I...” I had to pause and think about that. “Yes.”  I sighed and lowered my gaze. “I was. And if I was really a coward, I would never have tried to kiss her earlier.”

Nathaniel snorted, like he was amused. I was so surprised my head snapped up to make sure I wasn't imagining it.

“Rowan is deeply loyal,” Nathaniel told me. “If you'd still been in the picture, well, to be perfectly honest, I probably still would have fallen in love with her, but I would never have acted on it because she wouldn't have been receptive. I would have had to spend the rest of my days longing for a woman who was in love with someone else.” That stung. I wasn't sure if he was trying to rub it in or not, but it still hurt. “Happily for me,” he continued, “she was unattached when she came to Vigil's Keep as Warden-Commander."

“What about Bann Teagan?” Yeah, I know. I couldn't stop myself, though.

“What about him?” 

“You know that they were –” 

“Friends? Yes, and they still are. Did you know he was the one who collected her after the archdemon was killed? There was some sort of huge blast when Loghain killed the archdemon. Teagan saw it from the ground and as the remaining darkspawn horde started to disperse, he went to find her, see if she was all right. She was dazed and in a bit of a stupor, as were her companions. Teagan got them all down from the tower and got her into a warm bed where she could sleep it off, and he came back the next day to make sure she ate. He took care of her as much as she would allow him to do. He genuinely cares about her.” 

“How do you know all this?”

“She told me some of it. And I've talked to Teagan, of course.”

I was surprised. Teagan hadn't mentioned any of this. His men hadn't mentioned it either. Maybe they didn't know about it, or they didn't think it would hurt me so they didn't say anything about it. But it did hurt me. I wasn't there to take care of her. Loghain, of all people, saved her by stepping in and sacrificing his life, and then Teagan was there to look after her and see that she was taken care of. And I was in the Free Marches, following around merchant caravans as a hired sword and drinking too much.

“So you're not bothered that they were lovers?” I asked. I kept expecting him to tell me it was none of my business, but for whatever reason, he was talking to me and not snarling or yelling or threatening to cut out my giblets, so I was going to go with that. 

And truth be told, I really wanted to know.

“Why should I be? She's with me now.”

“But she's still... very friendly with Teagan. I saw them together. She was walking with her hand in his arm, and he was flirting with her and she was laughing about it. They're... very friendly.”

“Yes, Alistair, because they're friends,” Nathaniel intoned. I'd been intoned at plenty of times, but Howe had it down to a fine art. “And to be perfectly honest,” he continued in a less intoney way, “it did bother me at first, but I got over myself. The two of them had parted ways as lovers before I even became a Grey Warden, so it's really nothing to do with me.”

“I suppose not.” I had to concede that point."

“Just as nothing Rowan did after you left her is any of your concern.” Of course he had to rub that in.

“Yeah, I know. But it still made me really angry and hurt when I heard from Teagan's men at Rainsefere that she'd been with him, you know, like that,” I confessed. 

“You were long gone, Alistair. You were not coming back. Was she supposed to remain alone and celibate for the rest of her life?”

I shifted uncomfortably. I wasn't sure I liked reasonable Nathaniel more than angry Nathaniel. His cool, calculated questions and answers were making me think in ways I didn't want to.

“You're right,” I had to admit. “It's ridiculous. I just... never ...”

“You never got over her,” he said, almost kindly. Almost. “Small surprise. A woman like that leaves her mark in the world, and on the people whose lives she's touched. I've seen it time and time again.” 

“She does leave a mark,” I agreed sadly. “I hope you know what a lucky man you are.”

“I assure you, it was more than luck. There was a good deal of patience, determination, and outright stubbornness involved, as well, and some degree of finesse. I certainly do count myself as extremely fortunate, however. Blessed, even.” 

Oh, fine, sure, Lord Broodybreeches. Maybe for him it was more than luck, but for me, well... I guess my luck ran out. And I was fool.

“I wish I hadn't lashed out the way I did at the Landsmeet,” I blurted. I was worked up now,  running my fingers through my hair. “I could have waited, I should have... If I'd kept my mouth shut, I could have at least kept from being banished. All my talk about being king is what did it. If I'd just kept quiet and waited and talked to her after...”

“No, don't do that,” Nathaniel said firmly. “Don't go down a hundred 'what if' paths. You'll drive yourself crazy with the endless 'if only' thoughts. I speak from experience.”

“I do get it, you know. I mean, I know I was a fool. I know now that I was wrong about a lot of things. Too many things.”

Nathaniel snorted. “I know that feeling all too well. When I found out that my father really did commit atrocities, I had a lot to think about, to put it mildly. Then I realised I had to apologise to Rowan for all the things I'd gotten wrong. Happily for me, she was willing to let it all be water under the bridge.”

“And then you and she were...” 

“Friends, Alistair. She and I were friends. And she was and is friends with Teagan. I presume she was friends with you. She was apparently best friends with her first love, long before they started to think of each other in a romantic way.” 

“I only just learned about him today,” I said. I was frowning. “She never told me.” 

“Well, I'm not that surprised. She keeps him close to her heart. She still sometimes wears the promise ring he gave her. You've probably seen it. Silverite, with a polished greenstone?” 

“Yeah, I have seen it. I... never thought to ask.” 

“It was one of the few personal items she managed to take with her when she was forced to flee the massacre on her home.”

“That was your father's doing.”

“I'm well aware. Do you have a point with that?” He raised one dark eyebrow at me.

“I... no. I suppose I don't.” 

“So you're just thrashing around throwing randomly baited hooks to see if you catch anything?” 

“That sounds like me.”

Nathaniel chuckled. I was less surprised this time, but it still caught me off guard. I took it as a good sign, though.

“Well,” Nathaniel said, “I've decided that I'm not going to hold a grudge against you. In fact, I'll thank you for what you did today, because Rowan finally got over the lingering anger or fear or whatever it was that she was harbouring. But I also want you to know and to understand that I am a territorial man, and she is my territory. Do not cross the boundary again, or I will deal with you with severe prejudice.”

“Yeah, I get it. I'd be jealous, too.”

“Oh, I know you would, but I'm not jealous of you. I'm not even angry with you, at least for the moment. I'm just letting you know how things are and what will happen if you get out of line again. That said, I would raise no objection to you and Rowan being friendly, if you can manage it. You were friends once, yes? I think some kind of reconciliation would be good for both of you.”

“Do you think she'd go for that?”

“Probably. You know she's always giving people second chances. It's in her nature. I definitely suggest that you stop staring at her with those sad puppy eyes, though. It makes her uncomfortable, and it irritates me. And you're so obvious about it! I suspect that's at least a small part of why you're so unpopular with the other Grey Wardens and many of the soldiers. Well, that and the whole shirking your duty during a Blight thing, but that's going to take some time for you to overcome. I hear that Melina has been trying to help you where she can. I advise you to let her. She's well-respected and well-liked amongst the Wardens and the garrison, plus she's got quite a knack for healing, and not just physical wounds.”

I nodded. Reve had said the same thing. I'd already figured out that Melina was a good listener and a skilled healer, of course. Suddenly, I felt strangely honoured that she'd singled me out for special treatment.

“In the meantime,” Nathaniel continued, “you might want to start turning up at the weekly Wicked Grace games. I'm not going to tell anyone that they should be nice to you, but I can make it clear that we're not going to tolerate any further open hostility. They may or may not ever like you, I can't say anything on that count, but if they understand that you do have a place here, they'll at least be less hostile. It would be a start, anyway.”

“Why are you telling me all this?”

Nathaniel shrugged. “I owe you that much. You may not have intended to deliver the love of my life to me, but that's exactly what you've done. I have it in my power to make your life here at least a little more comfortable. Or, if you prefer, very, very uncomfortable. Ultimately, it's up to you, of course.”

I was quiet for a little bit. I stared at my hands, resting in my lap. I was unsure what to make of all this, but I decided to take the opportunity I was being offered.

“Thank you,” I said finally, looking up at Nathaniel Howe. “I appreciate what you're offering and I understand why. I intend to spend the rest of my life making up for what I did and what I failed to do. And if I don't, well, you should take whatever steps you need to take. It's time I started listening to the advice of people who know more than I do and who can help or hurt me depending on how I act. I think you pretty much qualify in that regard.”

“It's fine,” Nathaniel said gruffly. “Just do your job, do it well, and keep your lips off the Commander.” 

“What, and and risk having her crush my throat or you stick a dagger up my backside? Oh, no, no, no, no,” I said. “Look, I know people think I'm stupid, but I promise I'm not that stupid, and I do learn from my mistakes. Eventually. Sometimes right away, even. Also, turns out it's not that much fun kissing a woman who is in love with someone else. But, uh, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm trying to wedge my nose between your lower cheeks, but I'm glad it's you she loves. I still... care about her, about what happens to her.” I had to pause. Take a breath. My heart was pounding after that impulsive little outburst. “Clearly, so do you, and you're prepared to back it up and stick it out.”

“That's surprisingly insightful,” Nathaniel said. “Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do. I'll be sending you on patrol with the arling soldiers in a few days, so do what you need to do as far as preparation. I'll make sure the patrol leader is not a complete arsehole. That's the best I can promise for the time being.” 

“Fair enough,” I said, getting to my feet, relief flooding over me. “Thanks for not killing me.” 

“Thanks for not pissing me off. Leave the door open when you go.”

I couldn't help but grin and I gave him a salute before I followed orders and got myself out of the office and back to my room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation from Nathaniel's POV: [Fool Me Once](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/28800693)


	13. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair and Rowan begin to heal.

I ate dinner in the dining hall. Rowan and Nathaniel were nowhere to be seen, which was kind of a relief. Melina sat with me and when I mentioned their absence, she told me that it was “family dinner night” for them, when they ate in the Commander's Dining Room with Nathaniel's sister and her husband, their son, Nathaniel's son, and Jess, the tailor. Apparently, Rowan's private secretary, Varel, occasionally joined them, as well, and if Teagan was at the Keep, so did he.

It made me kind of lonely and a little jealous, to be honest. I longed for that kind of family, blood related or not, and I didn't know if I'd ever get to have it. Well, I'd kind of had it once, with the Grey Wardens, before Ostagar. But that seemed like a long time ago. I guess it was.

After dinner, Melina came to my room with me to talk. She wanted to know about what happened with Nathaniel, and after we had again agreed that what was said in the room didn't leave the room, I told her all about it. As usual, Melina helped me understand some things about myself and my situation. It was uncomfortable at times, but I felt like if I was going to go forward, I needed to face certain facts and understand more about myself, as well as other people. When I told Melina that, she called that a good sign.

The next day, I was on the training field, practising on a training dummy and really working up a sweat, when a page interrupted me with a message that the Commander would like to see me at my earliest convenience. I was about done with my training, anyway, so I accepted the message and put away my sword, then made a quick trip to my room to change clothes and give myself a quick wash with the cloth and basin. I had a look in the mirror to see how my hair was looking and I combed it once to make the front stand up the way I liked, but the rest looked okay, probably because it was cut so short. Then I took myself down to the Commander's office.

“You wanted to see me?” I said as I stepped tentatively into the room.

“Ah. Alistair,” Rowan said, looking up from the letter she'd been reading at her desk.

Nathaniel glanced up from his own desk and nodded once in acknowledgement. I returned the gesture.

“I'm going to go check on a few things,” Nathaniel announced as he stood up. “I'll be back in a little while.”

“Shut the door when you go,” Rowan told him.

“Of course, Commander,” he answered. “And I will knock when I return if the door is still shut, as is standard procedure at Vigil's Keep.”

Rowan rolled her eyes and made a shooing motion with her hand. Nathaniel was smirking to himself as he sauntered out of the office. Or maybe he was swaggering.

“Take a seat,” Rowan told me, gesturing toward the chairs in front of her desk. I couldn't help but notice that she had marks on her neck, like little bites. My face turned red when I realised that's probably exactly what they were.

I started looking around the room, trying to distract myself, and I saw that Ser Barkley was lying on a blanket bed near Rowan's desk. It was the first time I'd seen him since I arrived at the Keep. The mabari lifted his head and looked at me, like he was puzzled what I was doing there. I smiled at him. When Rowan didn't show any signs of aggression or other distress, the big dog put his head down again, but he kept his eyes on me.

“About yesterday,” she began.

My face immediately started to burn, even more than when I noticed the marks on Rowan's neck. My ears, too. It even felt like my neck was on fire. That's how embarrassed I was.

“Your lieutenant has already put the fear of the Maker into me, don't worry,” I blurted. “I swear I won't try to kiss you again. And I'll try not to look at you with... what was he said? Sad puppy eyes, I think it was. I'm sorry. I apologise for all of that. I... can be foolish.”

“Yes, I am aware,” Rowan answered lightly. “And I thank you for the apology, but I actually wanted to apologise to you.”

“You what?”

“I'm hardly a defenceless maiden. I could have stopped you, but I didn't, and not only that, I kissed you back. I did that because I had an opportunity to satisfy my curiosity and I took it, without thinking it through.”

“What kind of curiosity?” I was frowning now.

“When I first saw you again, it was like being hit in the gut with a dwarven hammer, and I didn't know what to make of it or what it meant. I think now that it was mostly the weight of a lot of things that were left unresolved. We never even got a proper goodbye, after all. One minute you were yelling at me and making threats and demands, and the next you were gone, banished. There was no resolution. And for me it was... traumatic. Not as traumatic as some things I've experienced, but still, you broke my heart, Alistair.”

“Mine broke, too,” I said, looking at my hands, which were folded in my lap.

Rowan took a breath and I heard it shudder, but I didn't dare look up at her. I was too ashamed and too sad.

“You're not deflecting with some lame joke,” she pointed out.

“Strangely, I can't find anything funny about having a broken heart.”

“That's a pity. You always did make me laugh, even when I was sad and lost and miserable.”

I did look up then, to find her regarding me with a wistful expression.

“Yeah,” I said, “but you're not those things now, so I don't need to.”

“I am sad, though. Lost love is not a happy topic, and until Nathaniel, every love I had was that. And I lost several friends I loved, just for good measure. I was starting to think Fate had it in for me.”

“Oh. That is sad. All right. Should I do something comical? Dance around like a jester, maybe?”

“What, like Teagan when he was controlled by that demon?”

I snickered. “I shouldn't laugh,” I said, trying to be serious and failing completely. “It's wrong. I mean, there was a demon involved, and Arl Eamon nearly died, but, yeah, that was funny. Horrifying, but funny.”

“You can dance if you want to. Perhaps you could dance the Remigold in a pretty dress?”

 _That was a surprise!_ “You remember that?”

“Of course I do. It was the first time you really made me laugh.”

“What else do you remember? About me, I mean. About... you know... us.”

“A great deal. Most of it good. When I said that I missed you, I meant that. There has been an Alistair-shaped hole in my heart since you left. It's always that way for me when I lose someone I love. Always. I have a lot holes in my heart, some of which will never be filled again.”

I was quiet for a little while. I looked up at the tapestry on the wall, the one of Andraste at war. I could feel Rowan looking at me, but I just studied the tapestry and wondered if it was blasphemous of me to compare Rowan favourably to Andraste.

“I know what you mean,” I said eventually. I was still not able to look at her. “I missed you, too. I mean, you knew that. And even though I'm sorry, I'm still... can you be sorry and glad at the same time? Because I'm glad I kissed you, and I'm glad you kissed me back. Not because it was so great to kiss you. Though it was quite nice. Err, sorry, that's not exactly what I...”

I finally looked into the green eyes that had haunted my memories and my dreams and sometimes my nightmares. She looked back, but then shifted her gaze elsewhere.

“You still make my head feel like it's going to explode,” I said with a small laugh. “Different reasons now, though, I think. Anyway, now we both know for sure that it's... over. I admit, I did harbour some kind of lingering hope, but when I saw you with Nathaniel, that started to wither pretty quickly. Thank you, though, for kissing me, and thank you for the apology, and I'm sorry, too. For a lot of things. Basically, if I did something that hurt you, consider me sorry for it. If whatever it is I did led to me losing you, definitely consider me sorry for that. And I forgive you for... oh, anything. Everything. I know, you don't need to be forgiven, but I'm saying it anyway because I was really angry and I did blame you and it was stupid but it's done now.”

She looked genuinely surprised.

“Thank you,” she said. “I think I understand what you're trying to say. The truth is, we both could have handled things better, and we both had a right to be angry, but like you say, it's done now. All we can do is maybe start over, from a new place, from now.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Nathaniel made it clear to me that he thinks it would be good for me to make the effort to be friends with you. He also thinks it would be good for the overall morale and unity of the Vigil's Keep community. He may have a point.”

“For what it's worth, I can see why you promoted him,” I said honestly. “And I also see why you love him.” That was harder to admit, but Melina had helped me to understand that one. “And, uh, I'm sorry about the way I acted about you and Teagan. I get that now, too.”

“Wow. All right. Anything else you want to confess?” She said it with a smirk, but I decided to take her up on the invitation.

“Yes. I'm sorry I was jealous all the time. I just couldn't help it. I would see you with Zevran and he'd say something saucy to you and you'd laugh and it would just drive me mad. And Leliana, too. You used to sit so close together, giggling, whispering, and you'd go into your tent with her and I'd hear her singing to you and... That was really hard to deal with, let me tell you.”

“Is that why you eventually insisted on sharing my tent?”

“No. Yes. That is, I wanted to sleep with you every night, but it also kept her out. There wasn't room in there for the three of us and Ser Barkley.”

The mabari raised his head at the mention of his name.

“Were you jealous of my dog, too?” Rowan asked dryly.

“Yes, I was,” I said, turning to the mabari. “Oh, yes, I was, because he's such a good boy. Such a very good boy. The best boy! Oh, yes, he is!”

Ser Barkley looked unimpressed. In fact, he rolled over and turned his back to me. That's how unimpressed he was. At least he seemed to have decided that I wasn't a threat to his mistress.

“So... are we all right now?” Rowan asked.

“I don't know. Maybe? The beginning of all right, I guess. It's going to take some time to figure out how we might... fit, you know?”

“I do know,” she said with a sigh. “And I agree.”

“I'm not, err, keeping you from anything, am I?”

“There are always things I could be doing, but there's nothing that demands my immediate attention.”

“No drills or inspections? Or lessons with Nathaniel's son?”

Rowan raised an eyebrow. “Not today. Why do you ask? Come out and say it.”

“Oh, it's just kind of, ah, unusual, isn't it? Nathaniel having his son here, with you, and the boy's mother. She's the tailor, isn't she?”

“She is. And I guess it is unusual, but the entire situation is. This arling is held not by a proper arl, but by the Commander of the Grey, so that's not only unusual, it's unique. And Nathaniel's sister is here, along with her husband and their son, so that's family for Tristan. It's already been decided that if something happens to Jess, Delilah will step in, since Nathaniel is a Grey Warden and may not always be present.”

“Is Tristan's mother... do you trust her?”

“Yes, of course I trust her. She's never given me any reason not to. She only wants what's best for her son, and she has her own business and plenty of coin from that and from the sale of her property in Highever, so it's not like she's dependent on the arling or the Wardens for anything. She also has more suitors than you can shake a stick at.”

“Is Nathaniel going to acknowledge his son?” I ventured. It was probably none of my business, but bastard sons were a topic close to my heart.

“Ah. I can see why you'd ask that,” she said gently. I was touched. “Nathaniel does openly acknowledge Tristan informally. The legal and formal procedure is going to be underway soon. Nathaniel didn't want to burden the boy with the name Howe because of all the things the boy's grandfather did. But I think we've seen a way around that now, and I think it will be okay by the time Tristan is old enough for it to matter. So he'll be a Howe before the wedding.”

“Wedding?” I said, frowning. “Your wedding?”

“Yes. That's something else I wanted to tell you. Nathaniel and I are getting married on Summerday.”

 _Ooof._ That hit me harder than I might have imagined it would.

“Right,” I said, trying to sound casual. “So. That's what he was talking about. And here I thought he just meant that you and he had, errr, spent a pleasant afternoon together... having an intimate discussion.” My face got hot, but I ignored it. “But I'd heard around the Keep that he kept asking you to marry him and you kept turning him down. May I ask, uhm, what changed your mind?”

“You did,” she answered. “It's hard to explain. I just... after I kissed you, as I was walking back to the master suite with Nathaniel, I had so many things in my head. He always has my back. He would never, ever desert me. Even when he's really angry with me, I know he loves and respects me and is willing to talk things out. Or yell them out, if necessary, because he's strong enough to stand up to me when he thinks I'm wrong. He has never forsaken me, and I know he never would. Suddenly, I couldn't find a single reason not to marry him. Honestly, I did want to marry him but I held back for so long because... Oh, I don't know. Something about control and being cursed and losing him if I... It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I proposed to him, and he set the date.”

“You proposed to him? Right,” I said. “Err, I'm not really the first person you're telling, am I?”

“No. We've told the immediate family and there are already couriers on their way to Highever and Denerim. There will be an announcement to the Keep very soon, but I thought you should know ahead of time, so you're not caught off guard.”

“I can just imagine all the heads swivelling around to stare at me. Thanks for the warning. Now I can practice looking calm and supportive instead of like I've been slapped in the face with a trout.”

“Are you all right?”

“Oh, yes. I just feel like I've been slapped in the face with a trout, that's all. It's not a surprise or anything, it's just... strange, I guess. You know, Nathaniel told me I'd delivered the love of his life to him, but I didn't know what he meant. Now I see what he was talking about. He told me without telling me. Sneaky.”

Rowan chuckled. “He can be that, yes. So, shall I have Jess get to work on making you a pretty dress? We can dance the Remigold at the reception.”

“For you? Maybe.”

Rowan smiled sadly and so did I. It's what I had told her all those years ago at Duncan's camp. We both remembered, and it was... I think the word is bittersweet.

“Well, all right, then,” she said, and I could tell she was trying to make her voice light.

“All right.”

“There's one more thing before I let you go. My brother, the Teyrn of Highever, has decided to put up a monument to the Grey Wardens and he wants me present at the dedication ceremony. He was going to make the monument just to and for me, but I insisted he include Senior Warden Riordan, who was born and raised in Highever, though he became a Warden in Orlais, of course. And also Duncan, who was, according to the records I have, born in Highever, though his parents were Rivaini and his family moved to Orlais when he was young. A long time ago, you said you wanted to put up a memorial to Duncan in Highever, do you remember that? I said maybe I'd go with you. Do you still want to go and do that? I know it's not quite like you imagined, but...”

A wave of sorrow and maybe awe washed over me.

“You want me to join you for that? Even after... everything?”

“I do, yes. It seems... right.”

“Yes, please. I would be honoured.”

“Excellent. I'll let Nathaniel know. He's making the arrangements, as he generally does. We're bringing Oghren, because he's a veteran of the Fifth Blight, and Ser Barkley, of course. He's a veteran, too. And you are, too, even if you weren't there for the final battle. Tristan will go with us because he was born in Highever and we thought he'd like to visit. And I thought we'd bring Melina. She's good company, I like to have a healer when I travel in a group, and also she and my brother are friends. I think you're on good terms with her?”

I nodded.

“All right then. All good? Everything... fine for the moment?”

“Yes. I have a lot to think about, but I think I'm fine. Or I will be.”

So Melina had told me, anyway.

“Good,” Rowan said with a smile. There was still tension between us. It was uncomfortable. I smiled back at her, but I still felt sad for reasons I couldn't entirely sort out.

There was a sharp knock on the door and it thankfully broke the tense connection between us. Rowan called for whomever it was to enter, and her face softened when she saw that it was Nathaniel.

“Everyone all right in here?” he asked. “No one's beat anyone up or reduced anyone to tears?”

“We're fine,” Rowan said, nodding to me, as if she was willing me to be fine with her. “It's all fine.”

I nodded back to her. “Yes, all fine. May I be excused?”

“Yes, of course,” Rowan told me. “Shut the door on your way out.”

I did, and I went back to my room. I had a lot to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rowan's POV: [Confessions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/29090049)


	14. Trouble with Teyrns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair meets Rowan's older brother, the Teyrn of Highever, and mayhem ensues. Okay, maybe not mayhem, exactly.

My first patrol with the arling soldiers was not as bad as I'd expected. The soldiers were not particularly friendly, but they weren't overtly hostile to me. They didn't sing the Royal Bastard song, nor tease me about anything.

We patrolled along the Pilgrim's Path, almost to Denerim where the jurisdiction changed, and then back. Then we passed through the Wending Wood on the way to the city of Amaranthine. We didn't enter the city, but the soldiers talked about how much damage there had been from the Amaranthine Conflict. Darkspawn had ravaged the city. The Warden-Commander had done what she could to save the city, while at the same time, Vigil's Keep was under attack. Now both the city and the Keep were undergoing repair and restoration.

All in all, we were on the road for almost two weeks, camping at night while replenishing supplies and taking an occasional meal at one of the many inns along the Pilgrim's Path. There was very little trouble, just a few wild animals that were venturing where they didn't belong and some shady looking characters who scurried away at the sight of us.

When we returned to the Keep, I only had a day to rest and get my things together before the trip to Highever. Possibly because it was a fairly big travelling party – two soldiers, five Grey Wardens, a boy of eleven years, and a mabari – Nathaniel had decided we'd go by ship, leaving from the port of Amaranthine and sailing to Highever. It wasn't a long trip by water, and it made sense to go that way, but I wasn't very keen on travelling on the water. Last time had been horrible, to put it mildly. At least we had Melina with us, and she was bringing a supply of herbs and other things to make potions, including sleeping draughts and something to help nausea if anyone got seasick. She always went for the non-magical options first whenever it was feasible.

We went to Amaranthine by horse. I managed to stay seated. Nathaniel's son, Tristan, rode really well, as did Nathaniel, because of course he did. The resemblance between them was unmistakable. Tristan had brown eyes rather than the cool grey ones, but his dark hair pulled into a ponytail, the shape of his face, his lean body type, the way he moved, his facial expressions, those things all came from his father, to say nothing of that distinctive long nose with the arched bridge. Melina told me Nathaniel had taught Tristan to ride and they went out together regularly, often with Rowan along. It made me a little envious, to be honest, but what else was new?

Our horses were entrusted to the care of the city guard, and I got my first real look at the city. There were still signs of the darkspawn attack, even years after, but I was told that it was greatly improved. The marketplace was a shadow of its former self, since many of the merchants had moved to Vigil's Keep to trade, and found the location to their liking, being on the Pilgrim's Path halfway between Denerim and the city of Amaranthine. Amaranthine was becoming more of an import and export location than a trade destination.

On the ship, I found I was sharing a cabin with Oghren and the soldier, Evon, who had floppy brown hair and seemed to be a favourite of Rowan's. Oghren mostly just ignored me, though he grunted at me a couple of times and muttered under his breath. Evon was polite, if not very talkative or especially friendly. I'd slept in far worse conditions, and at least I didn't get seasick.

The other soldier on the trip was a woman named Dawn-Lotus, though she went by Dawn. She was tall, strapping, and blonde, with a really loud laugh, and she seemed to find everything I said hilarious, even though we didn't talk all that much, really. She and Melina were sharing a cabin, I found out.

And of course, Rowan and Nathaniel had a cabin together, and an extra bed was brought in for Tristan to sleep there. Like a real family. The thought made me feel a little odd. Unhappy, maybe. Or something.

When we disembarked at the port of Highever, we made our way to the castle. Rowan was dressed down, a hood pulled up to shield her face so people wouldn't make a big fuss over her, but several people still recognised her. She stopped and shook their hands or spoke to them briefly, as gracious as you'd expect a hero and lady of Highever's ruling family to be. A few people recognised Tristan, as well, and asked after his mother.

Melina's appearance was a surprise. She mostly dressed in simple tunics and leggings from what I'd seen, but when we left the ship, she was decked out in Avaar-style skins. She drew more than a few stares as we moved through the streets of Highever.

By the time we reached the castle, it was getting dark. Fergus Cousland, the Teyrn of Highever, himself, was in the courtyard to greet us. Well, mostly he greeted his sister with a very thorough hug, and then he gave Nathaniel a hug, as well. I could see they were on very friendly terms. I'd heard that Rowan's brother had been friends with Nathaniel in their youth. It seemed they'd renewed that friendship and then some.

I tried not to, but I couldn't help feeling envious. Again. As always. Envious of Nathaniel, of Rowan, and just in general. They had friends, family, a history, and a future. This enormous castle was where Rowan had grown up. The people of Highever knew her by name and by reputation and by face, as well, and she was clearly loved. Why wouldn't I be envious of that?

The Teyrn led us to the dining hall. Preparations for dinner were underway, and there were servants everywhere. I wondered why we hadn't gone to the main hall. A castle like this one would surely have one, probably with a throne on a dais at one end and everything.

Rowan began introducing the group to her brother, one by one, although he seemed to know most of them. He greeted Melina warmly, pulling her into an embrace and kissing her on the cheek, which surprised me a little and also made me feel strangely uncomfortable.

“And this is Alistair,” Rowan said at last.

Her brother's handsome face went from a warm, welcoming smile to an angry scowl in instant.

“Alistair?” he repeated. “The royal bastard who humiliated you in front of the entire bannorn and deserted his duty and left you to end the Blight on your own? That Alistair?”

I was dumbstruck. Fergus glanced at Nathaniel, who nodded once. The next thing I knew, the Teyrn of Highever had drawn back his muscular arm and punched me hard in the face. I felt blood gushing down my lip and as he'd caught me off guard and off balance, down I went, seeing stars as I collapsed.

I heard Rowan gasp and shout, “Fergus!”

“He deserves more than a punch in the face and you know it,” the teyrn argued.

“Not the point,” Rowan snapped back at him and then she went right into commander mode, giving orders, making sure that everyone was seen to their rooms, telling Melina to look after me before she said sharply, “Fergus, a word with you in private. Right now.”

Rowan stalked off, followed by her betrothed and her brother, while the others followed the castle staff away from the area. I couldn't really see most of this, mind you. I was pretty sure my nose was broken, and I felt like one eye was swelling a fair bit. I mostly saw shuffling feet and figured out what was going on based on what I could hear.

The Teyrn of Highever was no soft nobleman. I knew he was a general in the Royal Army, and he must have held himself up as an example for his men, because he was strong and fit and, yeah, he had an impressive punch.

Which I pretty much deserved. I mean, all that stuff he said about how I had humiliated Rowan and deserted was true. Even if I felt at the time like I had excellent reasons to do that, it was still what I'd done, and even if I still disagreed strongly that Loghain should have taken the Joining, I had to admit now that I could have handled things differently. Better. Smarter.

Melina was hovering over me, kneeling beside me, examining my face. She did a little magical finger wave thing and the pain started to recede a little, but not completely.

“You have blood all over you. We need to get you cleaned up, and I'll make you a potion to help restore some of that blood loss. Head wounds do bleed awfully.”

I glanced down at my tunic and saw that it was pretty much drenched in my own blood. I'd seen worse, but I was slightly amazed that I could bleed so much from just a single punch in the face. Like I said, impressive.

“Can you get up?” Melina asked. I nodded, even though I wasn't confident about that. She stood back and let me go about getting up in my own way. I was pretty dizzy, and I told her so.

“I'm not surprised,” she said. “I want to examine you fully before I proceed.”

“Won't the magic fix me up?” I asked.

“Theoretically. But I've found that it makes sense to set bones and check a few things before dumping a lot of magic into a wounded person. I gave you enough magical healing to stop the bleeding. You still look a mess, though.”

I glanced around. The servants were all carefully ignoring us, but I knew they had all seen and heard everything that happened. It wouldn't be long before the entire castle and probably half the city knew the Teyrn of Highever had punched the Royal Bastard in the face. Oh, yeah, there was a comical tavern song in that, I'm sure.

A short, rounded woman with steely grey hair made her way to us. She looked me up and down with distinct distaste before turning to Melina.

“Mistress Hanna,” Melina said politely. Apparently, she knew the woman, probably from previous visits to Highever. “Would you be so good as to take us to Alistair's assigned room?”

Mistress Hanna nodded to Melina while ignoring me completely. It seems I wasn't any more popular in Highever than I was in Rainesfere or at Vigil's Keep. Or probably anywhere else in Ferelden.

I shuffled along behind the two women through the castle. Servants and other household members stared at me as I went past. I ignored them. I was impressed by the size of the castle, which was on a par with Vigil's Keep. But of course, it would be, being the home of a teyrn and all. Eventually, the grey-haired woman was opening a door and ushered me in. She had a word with Melina about where her room was – just across the hall from mine, apparently – and then left. Melina told me to go and lie down on the bed so she could do a full examination.

For some reason, the idea of that made feel a little odd. A little nervous, maybe. I didn't have time to think much more about that, though, because I got really dizzy when I went to lie down, and then the next thing I knew, Melina was there beside me, moving her hands around my head and face, not touching me. I could feel the gentle movement of delicate magic, not like anything I'd ever known before. Melina's magic was unusual, at least to me. I guessed it must be her Avaar background or something.

“I can't sense any deep damage,” she said finally. “But your nose is broken as well as one eye socket, and the bones need to be reset. I'd rather do that manually than try to magic it into place. It's going to hurt. I'm going to put you to sleep.”

“What? No, I – ”

I didn't get to finish that sentence because she didn't wait. Next thing I knew, I was waking up.

“Take your shirt off,” Melina said. “That one is covered with blood. Breeches seem all right, so you can leave them on if you like. We need to get you cleaned up.”

I sat up and was still a little dizzy. The thought of taking off my breeches in front of Melina made me feel funny, but I guessed it was the aftereffect of the injury and maybe the magic. I pulled my tunic over my head and off and kind of stupidly handed it to her because I couldn't think what else to do with it. She gave a little gasp, probably because she thought I was an idiot or something, and she tossed the shirt over a chair, saying something about seeing that it was properly laundered.

She had taken off her fur cloak. I watched as she went to the ewer on the dresser and poured some water into the basin. She waved her fingers around and then tested the water before pouring in a little more. Then she draped a cloth over the edge of the bowl and carried it to the nightstand and put it down.

“Hold still now,” she said, dipping the cloth into the water.

Next thing I knew, she was washing my face and the water was pleasantly warm. She must have been heating the water. The control she had over her magic was extraordinary. And it was nice having her wash my face like this. Like she cared. She rinsed the cloth a couple of times as she worked on my face and a bit on my upper chest, near my collarbones. Then the took my hands and washed them, one finger at a time. I guess I'd put my hands to my face while my nose was bleeding. She got all the blood off for me, anyway.

“That's better,” she said with a smile. “You look yourself now. How do you feel?”

“I'm not sure,” I answered honestly. “A little lightheaded, maybe.”

“Hmm,” she said.

She had her satchel with her, and she started digging through it. She pulled out a couple of different pouches and set them aside, and then got out a goblet and poured some water into it. I couldn't see everything she did, but she seemed to be mixing up some kind of potion. When she was done, she handed it to me. I regarded it suspiciously and gave it a sniff. It just smelled herbal.

“What is this?” I asked.

“Just drink it.”

It was pretty unpleasant tasting. I took a sip and then another. The knock on the door gave me a reprieve from the not-very-nice medicine. Melina opened the door and the next thing I knew, Rowan was there, with the Teyrn of Highever in tow.

Rowan asked Melina how I was. The teyrn was regarding Melina with an expression that almost looked like affection. Rowan had said that her brother and Melina were friends, but Melina seemed to be ignoring him while she got her healing kit together. I had no idea what to make of that so I didn't try to figure it out.

“I've given him a potion for the remaining pain and the blood loss,” the mage answered, “and it should do a few other good things for him, provided he actually drinks it.”

I grimaced but drank some more.

“Good,” Rowan said. “Thank you, Melina. And now my brother is going to apologise to Alistair.”

Melina gave Rowan a tight smile. “Good,” the mage said. “He should. I'd like to go and change my clothes and clean up. Do you need anything else?”

“No, you can go if you like,” Rowan said.

Fergus smiled at Melina as she brushed past him, but she was definitely ignoring him. The smile faded from his face as he watched her leave the room.

“Fergus?” Rowan said.

“What? Oh, yes. Alistair, I apologise for striking you without warning. I will not do so again. But do you understand why I did it?”

Maker's breath, he was a Cousland, all right. The resemblance between these siblings was more than physical, that was for sure.

“Oh, yes, I do. And I don't really blame you,” I answered. Then I added, “She's making you apologise, isn't she?”

The teyrn looked surprised. “Ah, yes,” he admitted. “But I did mean it.”

I had to smile at that. “She has that effect on everyone then, even her brother? Wow. Apology accepted, by the way. And you pack a very hard, mean punch. It was impressive, even if it was painful. I don't think anyone's ever broken my nose before.”

The teyrn looked at Rowan, who shrugged.

“All right then,” she said. “Alistair, drink your potion. Fergus, your hand is turning black and blue. Why don't you go and find a healer? I'm off to my room to change out of my travelling clothes and get washed up. Dinner is at the usual time? Good. I'll expect you both to be on your best behaviour. Is that clear?”

“Yes,” the two of us said simultaneously and in the same tone of voice.

Then we looked at each other and we both smiled, if a little grudgingly.

 


	15. Had It Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair goes to dinner, has a bath, and has some realisations. But only some.

When the teyrn left my room, I heard him cross the hall and knock on Melina's door. I couldn't hear what they said, but then she let him in and shut the door behind them. I could feel myself frowning, wondering what they were doing.

I decided to distract myself and I got cleaned up a little more, washing my armpits and my chest with the cloth. I rummaged through my bag and found an appropriate tunic and put that on, and then I decided to take the clothes out of my bags and put them in drawers because that's what you're supposed to do.

When I heard the door to Mel's room open, I heard what sounded like the teyrn thanking her and I heard her respond, but I couldn't really tell what any of it was, just their voices and the tone. A few minutes later, she was knocking on my door and asking if I was ready to go to dinner. I really didn't want to go, but I knew she wasn't going to let me get away with hiding out in my room. I also noticed she was wearing a simple blue skirt and a matching tunic, belted around the waist. She looked nice. The blue brought out her eyes. I told her so. She seemed a little surprised at the compliment but thanked me anyway.

I was surprised to find I was seated at the high table. All of us were, of course, but I was the royal bastard, and I hadn't expected that level of courtesy. Rowan was sitting on her brother's right, in the place of honour that would have been his wife's, if he had a wife. And Nathaniel was on his left, another place of honour. Tristan was at the high table, too, sitting right beside Rowan. I couldn't see Ser Barkley, but I imagined he was somewhere under the table, probably by Rowan's feet.

I took my place as directed and was relieved to find that Melina was sitting next to me. She was pretty much my only ally, and I needed all the friends I could get right about now, especially with all the people who were glancing at me and nudging each other and murmuring and so on. I mean, I was used to that. It had been happening pretty much constantly since I got back to Ferelden, but it was still uncomfortable. I just did my best to ignore it and I ate the food that was put in front of me. There were a lot of seafood dishes, but also some wild game, plus cheese and sweet fruit pies for afters, and cheese always made me feel better.

There were a number of entertainments available for the evening. Different kinds of games, drinking of course, and there were apparently minstrels in the great hall. I didn't want to participate in any of that, least of all the minstrels, because I didn't want to hear any of the songs about me, or about Rowan, or about her dashing lover. And there was the one about the Bannhammer and the Hero of Ferelden, too, quite bawdy, or so I was told, played for laughs. I didn't want to hear that one, either. I told Melina I just wanted to go upstairs and she nodded and said she'd go with me, which surprised me a little bit, but I welcomed the company.

I was mildly surprised to find there was a fire in the hearth when we got to my room. Servants must have done that during dinner. They also lit several lamps and left a bundle of tapers so I could light more or light a candle for the nightstand or whatever I needed to do. It looked like the bowl had been cleaned and replaced on the dresser, along with fresh cloths, and I would have been willing to bet that the water in the ewer was refreshed.

“How are you feeling?” she asked me as she took a seat on one of the chairs.

“Nose is fine,” I said. “Not dizzy now, either. That was one impressive punch, though, I have to say. The Teyrn of Highever is no soft nobleman.”

“No, he is not,” Mel agreed. Something in her voice made me wonder something that was none of my business, but I asked, anyway.

“What's between you two, anyway?” I asked. I kind of expected her to tell me it was none of my business. Because it wasn't.

“When I first met him, I could see that Fergus was still grieving, even after all this time. I helped him to move on.”

“Ah,” I said. I must have looked blank, because I was mildly confused again.

“You know he lost his son and his wife and their unborn baby in the massacre?” Melina prompted.

Oh. Right. I knew that, though I wasn't thinking. Now I recalled that Rowan had said once that Zevran's accent reminded her of her Antivan sister-in-law. At the time, I honestly didn't think much more about it, other than being jealous of Zevran and the accent she liked, but now that I looked back I was embarrassed that I had totally failed to understand that her sister-in-law was part of the whole “my entire family was killed” thing. And that sister-in-law was Fergus' wife.

Maker, I really am an idiot sometimes.

“So, uh, what were you and the teyrn talking about before dinner? I mean, not that it's any of my business, but if it was about me...”

She laughed at that. “Not everything is about you, Alistair. I was healing his hand,” she answered. “And I gave him a piece of my mind for punching you.”

I was astonished. “Really?”

“Yes. Why?”

“You just always seem so... nice. It's hard to imagine you chewing out the Teyrn of Highever, that's all.”

“Well, I did. And I expect Rowan did, as well, which is why she marched him up to your room to apologise to you.”

I was actually struck silent by that. The idea that both Rowan and Melina took Fergus Cousland to task was humbling. And perplexing.

“You... shouldn't be angry with the teyrn,” I said. “If I had a younger sister I loved and someone treated her the way I treated Rowan, I'd want to punch the guy, too.”

Melina sighed. “I'm not that angry at him now. After I told him off for what he did, he did apologise for upsetting me, and for the trouble he caused. I'm still not entirely persuaded that he's sorry he did it, of course, because, as you say, he believed he was defending his sister's honour. Maybe even the honour of Highever.”

I nodded. I got that, I really did. I was surprised more people hadn't punched me in the face, honestly. Nathaniel probably should have. So should Rowan. I was actually all right with her brother having done it.

“So, dedication ceremony tomorrow,” Melina said, changing the subject. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes. And... Do you suppose I could get a bath? I haven't had one since we left Vigil's Keep.” There was a big, stone tub in the corner of the room, after all, but asking servants to haul up a bunch of water just for me seemed presumptuous.

“There's a bath house,” Melina suggested, almost like she was reading my mind. “We could go together, if you like.”

“Not one of those ones where everyone bathes together?” I said, half joking. The thought of being naked in a bath with Melina suddenly made my face get hot.

She laughed. “No, nothing like that. There are chambers with curtains, and a tub in each. There's a boiler so the hot water doesn't have to be transported. It's not unlike the bath house at the palace in Denerim.”

“I haven't been there.”

“Really? You never stayed in the Warden Complex?”

I shook my head. “We didn't have a lot of reason to go there. And I... wouldn't have wanted to go to the palace, honestly. You know I'm...”

“King Maric's bastard, yes,” she said as if it was of little importance to her. “But weren't you at Ostagar with your half-brother, King Cailan?”

“Yeah, but I didn't even speak to him. Rowan did. So did Duncan. But I stayed clear of Cailan because... well, that's just the way it's always been.”

“You never met him?”

“Once, when we were children. At Redcliffe Castle. It was a few words of greeting and nothing more. Anora told Rowan that Cailan knew about me and kept an eye on where I was and what I was doing, but if he did, he was just as distant about it as our father was.”

I sounded bitter. That's because I was.

“Do you want to go and have a bath?” she asked.

She was trying to redirect my attention. I could appreciate that, I really could.

“Are you trying to get my clothes off?” I asked, and then realised what I'd said and my face started to burn, which almost certainly meant I was blushing. I have no idea where I got the nerve to do that. Melina just put me at ease, I guess.

“I did that earlier,” she said lightly. “I could have gotten you out of your breeches, too, if I'd wanted to do that. Don't worry, Alistair, your virtue is safe with me.”

I was going to point out that I was definitely not virtuous, but I decided to let it drop. I was both relieved and disappointed that she had no interest in getting me out of my clothes, which was a strange reaction, but I let that drop, too. Instead, I asked what the accepted procedure was and she told me to just bring fresh clothes to put on after, because everything else was provided.

The bath house was pretty much as she had described, and it was all warm and steamy and smelled really nice. The tubs were, indeed, private, or private enough. The staff were cold to me but they did their job, offering me dried rose petals and dried lavender for the water, both of which I turned down, but I did accept a small cake of good quality Antivan soap and some towels while they filled the bath for me.

I thoroughly enjoyed the bath. I washed everything, including my hair, and I tried to keep my focus on what I was doing and not on what Melina might be doing in her bath, on the other side of the wall, behind the curtain.

When I was finished and dried and dressed, I pushed aside the privacy curtain and found Melina waiting for me. Her dark brown hair was damp and loose around her neck instead of being pulled back in the usual ponytail, and her naturally tan skin was rosy from the warm water.

I thought, not for the first time, that she was really pretty, but I didn't say anything because it didn't seem at all appropriate. I mean, we weren't alone, and even if we were, it just seemed a little creepy to me. We'd both just been naked. Not in sight of each other, but we had been naked, and kind of in the same room. I'd heard her splashing in the tub, and she had been able to hear me. And I really had kind of thought about what she might be doing in her little mini-chamber while I was in mine, and what that might look like and all, which I really, really should not have been thinking about, but I did and, yeah. Seemed like I shouldn't say anything now.

“Everything all right?” she asked me.

“Of course,” I answered. “Shall we, uh, go?”

She nodded and we headed back, through corridors that overlooked a courtyard, up the stairs. How did anyone find their way around this place? I guess just with practice.

We got back to my room and she asked once again if I felt all right, and I assured her I did. With that, she bid me good night and we parted ways, she to her room, I to mine.

It took me a long time to fall asleep. My head was filled with all kinds of thoughts of Rowan, of the massacre that had taken her family, of her brother, but mostly of myself and how oblivious I had been to her pain when we were together, and it was hard to deal with that, but I had to. I wished I had a drink, or that I'd asked Melina to make me something to help me sleep. Eventually, after much tossing and turning, I managed to drift off.

I dreamed of Rowan. I dreamed of leaving her alone to fight the archdemon, the same nightmare I'd had for years. Only this time, instead of being frozen in place, unable to move, I had full range of motion. I just lacked the will to help her. I stood watching, knowing she needed me, and I did nothing, because I didn't want to.

I was in a sorry state in the morning, let me tell you.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He really has no idea, does he? ;)


	16. Dedication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alistair attends the dedication festivities.

We went to the dedication ceremony mid-morning in the main square of the city of Highever, escorted by a troop of Highever soldiers and knights. It was Teyrn Fergus Cousland, the assembled Grey Wardens including Ser Barkley and me, and other honoured guests, one of whom was Nathaniel's son, Tristan, who walked between his father and the Hero of Ferelden.

I was pretty uncomfortable. It seemed that people knew who I was and they were looking me over and occasionally snickering, probably because word had gotten around about the teyrn punching me in the face. That was the sort of gossip that had wings. I held my head up and refused to make eye contact with the crowd and just walked behind Rowan, something that filled me with bittersweet nostalgia.

In the square, there was a statue or something under a under heavy cloth, waiting to be unveiled. The crowd was respectfully quiet as the invited guests took their place on the platform constructed for the event. Fergus Cousland was flanked by his sister on his right and and Oghren on his left, while Ser Barkley sat beside the dwarf, looking rather pleased with his doggy self. Shockingly, I was standing immediately to Rowan's right, and I was incredibly uncomfortable to be so prominently featured. I wished I could sink down into my armour and hide, but I knew from experience that it was impossible.

Melina and Nathaniel, neither veterans of the Blight but both Grey Wardens, were standing behind the Couslands, Howe being between his betrothed and her brother, and Tristan was to the side, between Evon and Dawn-Lotus. I caught the teyrn glancing at the boy with a subtle wink and a nod right before the ceremony was opened by the Grand Cleric of Highever who offered a chant and a blessing.

Rowan pulled the rope to unveil the monument and the crowd gasped and made noises of approval as they broke into a round of applause. It was a single griffon, carved from stone, set atop a four-sided stone pedestal, with an inscription on each side. When the people settled down, the Grand Cleric gave another blessing, after which the Teyrn of Highever began a prepared speech.

“People of Highever,” he began. His voice was rich and strong and rang out across the square. “Today we dedicate this monument to the Grey Wardens of Highever.” The crowd applauded, and the teyrn paused while they did.

“To Senior Warden Riordan, born and bred in Highever, who gave his life in the Battle of Denerim, wounding the archdemon so that it could be slain.” Again there was a round of applause.

I really didn't know much about Riordan, other than meeting him briefly and being furious with him at the Landsmeet for suggesting that Loghain should take the Joining. I felt ashamed all of a sudden. Riordan had become a Warden along with Duncan, and they knew each other well, for years. They were comrades, maybe friends. Riordan had died honourably while I'd been in Starkhaven getting drunk. That realisation hit me hard.

“To Warden-Commander Duncan, born in Highever, who died at the Battle of Ostagar,” Fergus announced, and that hit me even harder. I lowered my head out of sorrow, shame, and respect.

To my absolute shock, Rowan reached out and took my hand. She looked at me. I looked back, utterly confused. Our eyes met and there were tears in her eyes. She gave my hand a squeeze. I returned the gesture. She turned her face back to the crowd and bowed her head. She was still holding my hand.

I had a moment of panic when I realised Nathaniel Howe was standing right behind her and he could see our clasped hands. I didn't dare turn to look at him, but when he reached out and put his own hand on her shoulder she smiled, even as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“To all the Grey Wardens, known and unknown, who have hailed from Highever over the many ages the Order has existed,” Fergus called out. The crowd applauded again. I was close enough to hear Rowan sigh, and I turned to see another tear rolling down her face. I wondered how many people from Highever had lived and died as Grey Wardens. Rowan might have a better idea than I did, but it had to be hundreds. Thousands even. Names lost to history, only known in some musty archive in Weisshaupt, if that. But now they had a monument, at least. People would remember their sacrifice, if not their names.

“And to my sister, Rowan Cousland, born and bred in Highever, the Hero of Ferelden, Commander of the Grey, hero of the Fifth Blight.” The crowd started to cheer and applaud. Fergus' voice was almost drowned out when he said, “She has done our family and all of Highever proud!”

The crowd erupted into a deafening roar of approval. Rowan let go of my hand and looked over her shoulder at Nathaniel as she wiped her face. He smiled at her gently, tenderly, and she smiled in return and I suddenly felt like I was intruding on an intimate moment just by existing.

Then Melina was with me and we were being ushered from the platform and it all became a bit of a blur. There was a banquet to attend, and celebrations to be had and, yeah, I hoped I could get away as soon as possible because I really felt like I didn't belong there.

Walking back to the castle, Tristan was with Rowan's brother, leading the way. They were surrounded by soldiers and knights, but I got occasional glimpses of them. They seemed to be having some kind of lively conversation. Not for the first time, I was envious of that boy and all the people who loved him.

I was walking with the Wardens and the soldiers from Vigil's Keep. Melina was keeping close to me. I wasn't sure if she was afraid I'd be attacked or if she was trying to make sure I felt all right or some combination, but it was nice to have her with me, anyway. Oghren was strangely quiet, which was a relief, honestly.

Nathaniel and Rowan were walking hand-in-hand some way ahead of us. He said something to her as they walked. I couldn't hear them, but I saw him grin and toss his head like a stallion, which made her laugh and turn her body toward him and say something back. He leaned in then, and whispered something in her ear and by her reaction, I would be willing to bet it was something dirty. And funny.

Yeah, okay, so he wasn't just good looking, devoted, a fierce fighter, probably ridiculously good in bed, and her co-commander. He also made her laugh. Right. I already knew that I didn't have a chance with her any more, but in that moment, seeing her laughing at him as he whispered some flirtatious joke in her ear, I knew that I'd never had a chance of winning her back.

I mean, I did already know that, but it just hit me really hard at that moment.

Somehow, I hadn't imagined going to Highever to place Duncan's memorial would turn out to be this awkwardly painful, with so many personal revelations I never wanted to have.

 

~*~

 

The banquet was a public affair, similar to the way some lords celebrated certain holidays. Everyone and anyone was invited to show up, wander around, partake of the food and drink, and engage in other amusements and activities. Certain areas of the castle were off limits, of course, but the great hall and the main courtyards and the chapel were open to the public, and the public did certainly show up.

Somehow, Melina and I ended up in the castle's great hall before Rowan and Nathaniel. They must have stopped along the way for some reason. I didn't want to think what that reason might be. When they did make an appearance, her hand was tucked into his arm but she only made it a few steps before she looked overwrought.

She was staring at the enormous fireplace in the far end of the hall. She said something to Nathaniel. He nodded sadly. They stood there together for a moment, both looking sombre, but then Rowan did that thing she did where she drew herself up to her full height and took a deep breath and put on her noble demeanour and got on with it.

I'd seen her do that hundreds of times during the Blight, but until that exact moment, I'd never figured out what it meant. I'd seen her face when she came into the hall. She was upset. But now, you'd never know it to look at her. I'd thought, back when we were together, that she... Well, let's be honest. I didn't think about it at all. I was just glad when she wasn't looking upset and hurt, because I had no idea how to comfort her when she was. But now I realised she was hurt and upset a lot of the time, and she just stuffed it down and moved on with her duty. How had I never understood that before?

I decided to eat some of the lavish banquet that was on offer. I was tempted by the copious amount of alcohol on offer, but Melina was with me the whole time, keeping an eye on me. Most people were, thankfully, ignoring me, but I think it helped that I had a Grey Warden mage as a constant bodyguard. And that I was armed. I still tried to keep out of the way and draw as little attention as I could.

Nathaniel and Rowan were moving through the crowd, making conversation, shaking hands, all that nobility stuff. And she was the Hero of Ferelden, of course. The people clearly loved her, and why wouldn't they? Eventually, Nathaniel drew her aside to a quiet corner of the hall and stood in a way that blocked her from the view of the room. I figured they were kissing or talking dirty to each other or something. I mean, I knew they were very touchy-feely and that they were frequently seen ducking into unlikely places around Vigil's Keep to get very personal with each other. Some sort of lover's game they liked to play.

I wanted to be scandalised or maybe offended or something, but I just couldn't. If it made her happy, I guess I felt like she'd earned that right. Woah, that was a change. I wasn't feeling resentful or angry. A little sad, yeah, and resigned, but nothing worse. I looked at Melina to see if maybe she had magicked me in some way that I didn't notice, but she was busy eating some kind of oysters or mussels or something on the half shell and I figured I would have noticed the magic tingle if she had, anyway. Yeah, this was me. Being all mature and everything. Wow.

I was kind of lost in my own thoughts when Nathaniel and Rowan approached, her hand tucked into his arm like a proper lord and lady. Which they were. I mean, Grey Wardens weren't supposed to have personal titles apart from rank, but both of them were born to the nobility and it absolutely showed in everything they did.

“Melina,” Rowan said, and my companion smiled. “Enjoying the festivities?”

“There's a lot of food,” Melina said, quite enthusiastically. “Seafood, especially. I assume that's because Highever is a port city?”

“Quite right. Very much a traditional part of the local menu. Is everything going all right?”

“As well as can be expected, Commander,” Melina answered, and smiled a little grimly.

“It's kind of you to act as Alistair's bodyguard,” Rowan said with a perfectly straight face.

I had to speak up. “Hey, that's not –”

“She's joking,” Melina interrupted, and she put her hand on my arm. “I should have thought you of all people would know a joke when you hear one.”

“Yes. Of course. You're right,” I said quickly. “Yes, of course. Sorry. I'm a little jumpy.”

“Alistair, I'd like a word with you in private, if you please,” Rowan said calmly. “It won't take long. I'll show you the private rose garden, though there are no roses this time of year, of course. Still, it's pretty this time of day all year round.”

“I... yes, Commander... Uh...” I frowned and looked at Nathaniel. He was looking stern, as usual. He just nodded and dropped his arm as Rowan withdrew her hand.

“I'll be waiting for you in our suite, as suggested,” Nathaniel said to Rowan.

“Noted,” Rowan responded. I saw the corner of her mouth twitch with a suppressed smile and I figured they were flirting. Again. Of course. “Alistair? Shall we?” Rowan said.

I nodded to Nathaniel and Melina and followed after Rowan, butterflies in my stomach as I went.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter from Rowan's and then Nathaniel's POV: [Dedication](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/31830837)
> 
> I'm going a little slow at this lately because I've been struggling with health issues for a while now. I am still going, though. And I know I don't have to explain, but I like to. It's disappointing when you're following a fic and the writer just falls of the face of the planet. I haven't done that, and have no intention of doing so. I just sometimes have to take to my bed for a while.


	17. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan and Alistair have a chat about promises made and promises broken.

Rowan nodded to the guard, who stepped aside from the door so she could step outside. She waited for me to follow before she shut the door behind us. The small, informal garden we were in was off-limits to the public. There was a trellis for roses, none of which were blooming, of course, and what looked like beds for other flowers, and some benches and a birdbath. She was right that it was pretty.

I was nervous. I asked what she wanted to talk to me about, because I wanted to get this over with, whatever it was.

“I'm sorry this trip has been so difficult for you,” she said. “That wasn't my intention.”

That was a surprise. “I believe you,” I said. Then I added, “I knew you were well-loved, but the people of Highever practically worship you, don't they? And they hate me for... Well, I can't say that I blame them. I expect your brother will have gained some goodwill for punching me.”

Rowan sighed. “Yes, I expect so. That's not why he did it.”

“I know exactly why he did it. I meant it when I said I didn't blame him. I deserve a lot more than a punch in the face. I'm still surprised by how nice you and Nathaniel have been to me, honestly, especially after I...” Yeah, best to leave that thought unspoken. Instead, I shuffled my feet and took a seat on one of the stone benches. “I heard that Nathaniel had a lot of problems because of what his father did.”

“Yes, though not usually in my presence. Well, usually nothing overt. I saw plenty of muttering and dirty looks when people recognised him, and there was a noble at the palace who challenged him, but he's weathered it all with surprising grace, even though I know how much it bothers him. He was only very warily received in Highever the first time we came here together, in fact. He was with me and with Fergus, though, and there are some very flattering tavern songs about him, so most people were civil if wary and suspicious. It's been better for a while now, though. Anora was very gracious and very thorough in redeeming his name and making it clear that the actions of the father are not the actions of the son.”

“Your influence, I take it.”

“Yes. She wanted a favour. Her efforts on Nathaniel's behalf were part of that arrangement.”

I looked up at Rowan as realisation dawned on me. “That's why you agreed to take me back. I couldn't work that one out. Teagan said he persuaded you, but I didn't think even he could manage that. You agreed to take me back for Nathaniel's sake?”

“Partly,” she answered with a shrug. “Also, Anora had something hanging over my head that she was using as leverage. It was nothing I couldn't have sorted out on my own with some time and effort, but it would have been messy and distracting and possibly damaging to me or the Grey Wardens, and she knew that. I framed the situation with Nathaniel as being mutually beneficial. You were just a small part of that. Honestly, neither Teagan nor I ever thought you would want to be under my command. I'm still somewhat shocked by it, and still not entirely certain it's going to work, or if the other Grey Wardens will ever accept you. I may have to station you up at Soldier's Peak or something. Or make a deal with Orzammar to have an outpost there.”

Ugh. Orzammar was not my favourite place, and that was putting it mildly. I hoped she didn't mean that, but that wasn't why she'd brought me here to this garden.

“That's not really what you wanted to talk about, though,” I guessed.

“No. I wanted to talk about promises. You and I made a lot of promises to each other, Alistair, spoken and unspoken. Those promises are the things that have haunted me the most.”

Well, that was painful, though I know she didn't mean it to be. My voice cracked a little as I agreed with her.

“Today was a promise fulfilled and therefore put to rest,” she said quietly.

“So it was.” I paused to think about that and then said, “More than I've done.”

“Stop. You keep beating yourself up. You need to stop that.”

“That's what Mel says. I think I'm her special project.”

“Is that so?” Rowan asked, raising one eyebrow and smiling.

“It's not like that,” I said, waving my hand. Then I raked my fingers through my hair. “Mel and I are friends, that's all. You know what she's like. She's a healer and she thinks I need healing.”

Rowan smiled. “Yes, I do know what she's like. I'm glad she's taken you under her wing. If anyone can sort you out, it's Melina.”

I made some kind of noise in response, but didn't say anything more on that topic. I didn't think there was much anyone could do to sort me out, honestly. Not even a sort-of-Avaar apostate hedge mage midwife healer Grey Warden.

“Well,” Rowan said, “A long time ago, I said I'd come with you to Highever after the Blight to put up a memorial to Duncan. Now that's happened. It's a promise fulfilled.”

“Is... that why you took my hand?”

“I was feeling emotional,” she answered with a shrug.

I nodded. “We made other promises, too.”

“Yes. And some of them were never fulfilled. For example, you went off to the Free Marches and never fulfilled your oath to the Grey Wardens.”

“I know,” I said. I think I kind of groaned it. “But it's strange, because when I came back to Ferelden, I was going to stay with Teagan, serve in his garrison. You're right that I didn't want to see you, let alone be under your command. I knew I wouldn't be accepted after what I did. Or what I failed to, I guess. But I couldn't stop thinking about the Grey Wardens. In the end, I had to try.”

“Like the pull of your promise to Duncan brought you back to it,” she said. She looked thoughtful and a little far away.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“There was also promise... that we'd stay together.”

“Broken.” By me.

“Yes,” she agreed. “Just like your promise to the Grey Wardens.” _Oh, ouch. Come on._ “But now, look at us. We live in the same place. We're members of the same highly secretive order, sharing knowledge that only Wardens can share. Comrades in arms, and veterans of the Fifth Blight, even if you didn't stay for the big ending. I think that counts as being together. Or close enough to it.”

“I... suppose it does.” I had to think about that for a moment or two. “And as I understand it, your agreement with the queen means you have to keep an eye on me.”

“Well, yes. That, too.”

“So that's another promise, isn't it? Not just to me, but to Anora.”

“Yes.”

“All right,” I said. “Then I guess we'll stay together. Not... like before, obviously. But if we can be... on good terms... Well, I've already said I'm in favour of that. And your second-in-command thinks it's a good idea, and I wouldn't want to invoke his wrath. I haven't seen the full force of it, but I'm sure it's terrible.”

“It can be,” she admitted, but she also chuckled. “So, good. Anything else? The rose?”

“That was a gift,” I said quietly. “I gave it to you because I wanted you to have it.”

She nodded. I wondered if she still had that rose, plucked from a bush in Lothering, a town that was later wiped off the map by darkspawn. If I recalled correctly, Wynne had cast some sort of preservation spell on it for her. Since she asked about it, maybe she still had it somewhere, tucked away? That thought was strangely sobering.

She looked at me in the fading light and then glanced at the rose trellis and seemed lost in thought for a little while.

“So, what else did we promise?” I eventually prompted.

“Uh, well, I guess we both promised Duncan we'd act appropriately as Grey Wardens, and as I'm Warden-Commander, I guess I've done that. You may have some work to do on that one.”

I looked up and saw her smirking at me. She was joking. I let myself smile. “Yeah, okay. Very funny.”

“You may as well learn to laugh about it, Alistair, like you do everything else.”

“I know,” I answered. She was right, but it was still really difficult. “Learn to live with it. We all make mistakes. Mel says that, too.”

“I'm not surprised she does.”

“Easy for you to say. You never make mistakes.”

“Yes, I do. How do you think Anora had leverage over me?”

“I... that is a good question.” I frowned. “What was it?”

“In a nutshell, I didn't take action on something I should have and it snowballed into something that could have been quite the scandal, and put the Grey Wardens in a very poor light. As I said, I could have sorted it out on my own, but it was to my advantage to make a deal with Anora.”

“Huh,” I said. It was really all I could say to that.

“I've made other mistakes, too. One cost me good Wardens, one of whom was someone I very much cared for. And there are other decisions that may yet come back to haunt me. At least one could prove to be a threat to the whole world. Who knows what my next mistake will be? I'm sure there will be plenty.”

I was kind of shocked, to be honest. Rowan Cousland, the Hero of Ferelden, made all kinds of mistakes? That was... not how I thought of her. Not at all.

“I'm surprised you're telling me all this,” I said.

“Why? It's just the truth. And I wanted to make you understand that everyone makes mistakes, and we live with the consequences and get on with our lives and make the best of it, because that's what people do. It's especially what Grey Wardens do, or what they should do, anyway. Learn from your mistakes and move forward, Alistair. That's what Duncan would have told you, as well.”

“He would have.”

“Then we're in agreement,” Rowan said. “You, me, and Duncan. You're going to pick yourself up and make yourself useful and move forward. Promise me, Alistair.”

She looked me in the eye in the fading light. I looked back. Invoking Duncan into this had a strong affect on me, moved me deeply.

“I promise,” I said.

“All right then.” Her voice was a little husky, like maybe she was a little emotional or something. “Good. You're dismissed. I expect Melina will be waiting for you.”

“Probably. She'll want to know what we talked about. Not in a nosy way. She's just... well, I'm her pet project and all.”

Rowan smiled. “Yes. You make a fine pet, Alistair.”

I grinned. “Woof.”

“I expect Nathaniel will want to know what we were talking about, too. He already wants to know about the moment you and I shared today at the dedication.”

“I'm not in trouble, am I?”

“No. Why would you be?”

“I'm not supposed to touch you.”

Rowan laughed. “I touched you first and it was only your hand, plus it was in public, with him right behind me. And you couldn't very well disobey your commander's order to hold her hand, could you? It's all fine.” She paused before she added, “I find it hard to believe he really told you that you're not allowed to touch me.”

“Well... not exactly,” I admitted. “He said I wasn't allowed to touch you like I did when I grabbed hold of you and kissed you. I can't blame him on that one. It was a really stupid –”

“Stop that,” Rowan interrupted. “What did I say about moving forward?”

“Yes, Commander. Sorry.”

Rowan smiled again. “Better. Water under the bridge, no going back, all of that. So long as you learn from your mistakes, you'll do well.”

I nodded as I got to my feet, even though I had my doubts about that. I had to ask her if she could give me directions back to my room because the castle was enormous, and confusing.

“Sure,” she answered lightly. “Come on. We're both in the guest wing. I'll walk you there.”

So we walked together through Highever Castle and there were plenty of witnesses because there were people everywhere and we did get a lot of looks from a lot of folks. Plus, she'd held my hand and the dedication ceremony in front of everyone, too. I wondered what the gossips and the minstrels would make of that. Whatever it was, it had to be better than the story about the royal bastard who ran out on the brave Hero of Ferelden when she needed him most.

In the end, it didn't matter. That was a mistake I would never, ever make again,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene from Rowan's POV: [Promises](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865188/chapters/32485539)


End file.
